tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-47601340777394852922024-02-19T00:54:48.246-08:00Hope, Interruptedsarahhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15316131078833658090noreply@blogger.comBlogger114125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4760134077739485292.post-77727257898177334422012-12-11T21:30:00.003-08:002012-12-11T21:30:59.417-08:00Baby It's Cold Outside - 12/12/12Sweet Otis,
I miss you more than ever these wintery days, these cold nights. We have our christmas tree up in the bedroom where your photograph normally sits, so tonight as I moved your photograph to a different place, I stopped, and looked closely. I looked at your eyelashes, your eyebrows, your lips, your nose. The fuzz on your face. Your pudgy perfect fingers. I sarahhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15316131078833658090noreply@blogger.com10tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4760134077739485292.post-78531259110236549642012-07-26T22:52:00.004-07:002012-07-26T22:52:33.212-07:007.26.12I look at Otis's picture as I lie here in bed, and I realize that Owen finally looks older than Otis. For so long, because Otis was such a big, handsome baby with a full head of hair, he really looked the part of Owen's big brother, in every way. I could look at the two of them, Owen lying there next to a photograph of Otis, and Otis still somehow would look older. Even though he onlysarahhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15316131078833658090noreply@blogger.com8tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4760134077739485292.post-35973655354663211732012-05-23T20:11:00.001-07:002012-05-23T20:13:55.520-07:00Right Where I Am: Year Two: 20 months, 11 days, 4.5 hoursAs I commented to Angie on FB when she posted about doing this project again, writing this "Right Where I Am" post feels incredibly daunting tonight. I fear that it may rip me wide open. (As I added in my comment, "maybe that's what needs to happen.")
20 months, 11 days, 4 and 1/2 hours since my boy left this world.
Most days, I still can't believe it.
I was recently thinking of sarahhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15316131078833658090noreply@blogger.com42tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4760134077739485292.post-66769501093094250872012-05-10T20:21:00.002-07:002012-05-10T20:21:23.794-07:00Mother's DayTo all of you, I wish you peace this coming Mother's Day.
I miss being more active in the babyloss community, I hate that my browser doesn't support my commenting on more blogs. I've figured out that I can only comment when the comments are in a new window. If it's the same window as the blog post, it won't let me comment. I don't know why. I don't even know if any of you still read along sarahhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15316131078833658090noreply@blogger.com7tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4760134077739485292.post-89194621110217650662012-04-16T09:39:00.000-07:002012-04-16T09:39:16.469-07:00rainbow 4.16.12As I sit here typing, a rainbow falls across the keyboard - coming from the light beaming through the prism that hangs in our window.
As I sit here typing, my beautiful rainbow boy is desperately trying to get himself to sleep in his crib for his morning nap. (This is HARD. Sleep training SUCKS, no matter how gentle the methods are, as our pediatrician said, "It kind of all comes down to sarahhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15316131078833658090noreply@blogger.com12tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4760134077739485292.post-63853096992801448602012-03-19T21:44:00.000-07:002012-03-19T21:44:27.040-07:006 monthsMy dear sweet Owen,
6 months old today, dear one. You bring me more joy than I ever imagined possible. Your smiles and squeals fill my heart and stretch it out exponentially. Being your mama is worth every minute of missed sleep, every ounce of spit up, every missed shower and all the stretch marks. It's worth all the tears and all the stress and all the worry.
The dayssarahhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15316131078833658090noreply@blogger.com11tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4760134077739485292.post-19808603897130469722012-02-16T09:54:00.000-08:002012-02-16T09:54:32.487-08:00Deep BreathThe boy is napping.
I am so madly in love with him, it's mindboggling. We are (finally?) settling into some semblance of routine and I feel like I'm breathing again, for the first time in so very very very long.
And yet I miss his brother with every breath. Sharply, softly, and everything in between. It sneaks up on me, and then again his absence has become such a part of my very sarahhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15316131078833658090noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4760134077739485292.post-79777308577333522002012-02-05T13:58:00.000-08:002012-02-05T13:58:56.050-08:00Argh, bloggerI don't know why, but I am having serious issues leaving comments on blogs today. I've finally got an afternoon napping baby (in his crib! not my arms!) and I went to go pay so many of you visits and check in and blogger keeps eating my comments. Argh. So frustrating.
I'm thinking of all of you - so happy to see so many rainbow pregnancies progressing along so beautifully...sarahhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15316131078833658090noreply@blogger.com7tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4760134077739485292.post-8100126836045939342012-01-30T09:57:00.000-08:002012-01-30T09:57:18.419-08:00The Only Thing Constant is ChangeRaising Owen is like one huge lesson in learning to be flexible and adapt to change. Little Man clearly has no intention of adapting to a routine or a schedule. What works one day is futile the next, what failed miserably yesterday may be a stellar success tomorrow. The only really reliable constants I've come to expect are that he wants to nurse about every two hours (often sarahhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15316131078833658090noreply@blogger.com6tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4760134077739485292.post-33863378648763545032012-01-25T20:09:00.000-08:002012-01-25T20:09:21.545-08:001.25.12My heart aches tonight, for two mamas in particular...one whose baby valiantly fought for his health for five months in and out of nicu and picu and lost the fight last night; and another mama who lost her son when her water broke way too early and her little G left this world after 37 minutes in her arms.
Again, I shake my fists at the heavens, I smash things in my head, I yell and kick and crysarahhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15316131078833658090noreply@blogger.com6tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4760134077739485292.post-54512394913787066582012-01-12T20:23:00.000-08:002012-01-12T20:23:47.573-08:001.12.12Thank goodness for zoloft.
It's helping. So much.
The panic has abated. I'm still anxious, but not to a debilitating point anymore.
Which is good, because I've been in a bit of a chaotic craziness the last few days - losing a client (mom is a crazy alcoholic in the midst of divorce and fired me because I spoke to the husband's atty), losing my milk (and then having it come in sarahhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15316131078833658090noreply@blogger.com10tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4760134077739485292.post-91001814035951773772012-01-05T11:06:00.000-08:002012-01-05T11:06:01.852-08:001.4.12Whew. Made it through the holidays, barely. Harder than I imagined they would be. Owen did surprise us all by sleeping 10 hours on Christmas Eve, Merry Christmas indeed. He then hit a spurt of sleeping 7 or 8 hours in a row each night, then 6, and now we're back to about 3 1/2 hour stints. Meh. He's also been fighting naps, although today he's off to a good sarahhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15316131078833658090noreply@blogger.com6tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4760134077739485292.post-29157257418146989422011-12-20T14:49:00.000-08:002011-12-20T14:49:46.637-08:0012.20.11Wow. December 20. Last night, I read back through my posts from December last year. This time last year was most certainly my darkest. This year, light is beginning to shine through the cracks.
I miss Otis so desperately, and we hit some really rough spots here at home this month. E had a few really sad nights, sobbing in front of our Christmas tree, crying those sarahhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15316131078833658090noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4760134077739485292.post-25975798737942905362011-12-12T14:51:00.000-08:002011-12-12T14:51:28.809-08:00X-missI miss him. So much. So very very very much. Something about having our tree up and lit, the weather cold and gray...it brings me back to last December - the coldest and saddest on record. December was so much harder for me than September, October or November last year, and I think my body remembers that.
As Owen is maturing and able to sleep on his own for a lot longer, sarahhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15316131078833658090noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4760134077739485292.post-45404716745736008612011-12-07T11:03:00.000-08:002011-12-07T11:03:57.392-08:00Saint OtisI don't think there is a "real" Saint Otis. But the last few days have had me praying to my boy, asking him to please "pull some strings" and watch over us, and take care of his baby brother.
We are sort of back at square one, in terms of Owen's reflux, the oversupply/undersupply, the fussiness, the lack of sleep. It feels impossible and disheartening and I have moments where I am sarahhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15316131078833658090noreply@blogger.com11tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4760134077739485292.post-39088709859706206352011-12-01T10:10:00.000-08:002011-12-01T10:10:13.988-08:00On Joy and Sorrow Kahlil Gibran
Your joy is your sorrow unmasked.And the selfsame well from which your laughter rises was oftentimes filled with your tears.And how else can it be?The deeper that sorrow carves into your being, the more joy you can contain.Is not the cup that holds your wine the very cup that was burned in the potter's oven?And is not the lute that soothes your spirit, the sarahhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15316131078833658090noreply@blogger.com9tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4760134077739485292.post-17364007273463878472011-11-29T10:37:00.000-08:002011-11-29T10:37:11.457-08:0011.29.11I go back to work today. Minimally, only 3 to 6 pm. I feel ready, actually. Owen has been a totally new baby these last few days, it's amazing.
We met with a lactation consultant last week, I had been having nipple pain and also wanted advice about pumping for my going back to work, and advice also on bottles - Owen is such a super-sucker that even the slow slow flow bottles sarahhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15316131078833658090noreply@blogger.com8tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4760134077739485292.post-73973528293177389522011-11-18T15:35:00.000-08:002011-11-18T15:49:04.489-08:00SmilesMy baby boy is smiling, finally. Today he and I hung out all morning and he smiled and cooed, "just like a normal baby!" I remarked...and he napped in his bassinet...and I feel like a normal human being again. Well, maybe not a normal human being, but a normal babyloss mother to an almost 2 month old rainbow baby. I know this too will pass, but this has been a lovely bit of sarahhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15316131078833658090noreply@blogger.com13tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4760134077739485292.post-46178245494366392992011-11-13T14:19:00.000-08:002011-11-13T14:19:34.755-08:00Time flyingLet me preface this by saying that I am totally and utterly ashamed to be publishing this post, for a bunch of reasons. I feel like a bad, bad, bad mommy to be feeling so utterly hopeless. And I feel like a whiny bitch to be putting words to a lot of this. And I feel like a failure to admit how bad it is here. But I want to get it out there, as well, I need to speak my truth (orsarahhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15316131078833658090noreply@blogger.com18tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4760134077739485292.post-36199594328176320542011-10-28T11:09:00.000-07:002011-10-28T11:09:58.927-07:0010.28.11I don't want to jinx it but we've had a good couple of days. And I only mean "a couple" in the truest sense of the word: at most, 2 days. But...I feel like I'm getting to know Owen better and learning what makes him tick and learning his cries, his needs, his sounds and expressions...as well as learning my own ways and how they help and hinder me when he's having a tough time. Isarahhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15316131078833658090noreply@blogger.com9tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4760134077739485292.post-27520307683918634132011-10-22T14:03:00.000-07:002011-10-22T14:03:48.268-07:00Briefly 10.22.11I went to a support group on Tuesday for postpartum anxiety and depression. The woman sitting next to me was there because she was breastfeeding her daughter two weeks ago and when she stopped nursing, she looked down and her baby was blue. Her husband did CPR and brought the baby back and she lived, but the mama is having horrible anxiety (obviously.) They are saying it was a "sarahhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15316131078833658090noreply@blogger.com10tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4760134077739485292.post-10343003490019626672011-10-17T16:59:00.000-07:002011-10-17T16:59:27.650-07:00Monsoon 10.16.11--A bit scared to hit "publish" on this post, but figured I need to come clean with the nitty gritty and down and dirty of my parenting after loss experience.--
I am totally and completely overwhelmed.
With love for this little peanut that entered our life four weeks ago today.
And with sadness for my little big man who left our world one year and five weeks ago today.
And with fatigue, with sarahhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15316131078833658090noreply@blogger.com19tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4760134077739485292.post-24234571936808532772011-10-06T09:07:00.000-07:002011-10-06T09:07:25.181-07:0010.6.11Time flies.
Babyboy is growing fast, and the days and nights blur past us. This is HARD work, much harder than I ever anticipated. Both the grieving for what we lost with Otis, and the learning curve with raising this little guy...I am so swamped, so much of the time. Doing my best to keep my head above water, but it's not easy. We've had help lined up (family and friendssarahhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15316131078833658090noreply@blogger.com10tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4760134077739485292.post-59722784067182589582011-09-28T13:04:00.000-07:002011-09-28T13:04:14.067-07:009.28.11 aka Over My HeadI love this baby boy so much.
I miss my other baby boy so much.
I stare into Owen's face, look at his lips and his nose, and marvel. And then I see Otis. It's so bittersweet, the resemblance of these brothers. One here with us, one not.
I am encountering a ton of anxiety and a lot of panic these days. Anything "new" causes me to seize up in fear that it will be the sarahhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15316131078833658090noreply@blogger.com13tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4760134077739485292.post-14634640689587711902011-09-24T21:23:00.000-07:002011-09-24T21:23:57.934-07:009.24.11Thanks so much for your words of congratulations.
What a whirlwind, eh? I want to sit back and take the time to write his birth story but "taking the time" seems a long ways off when tonight is the first chance I even had to OPEN my laptop! Basically, though, I had been having cramps all week, I really thought they were BH or "practice" contractions, E finally made me call the advicesarahhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15316131078833658090noreply@blogger.com19