So this post is likely to be a lot about pregnancy after loss, so those of you wanting to click away now can do so....
We had two more prenatal appointments (one with a regular OB and one with the high risk doc) on Thursday and all continues to look healthy with the bubs. I am just past nine weeks now. CVS scheduled for March 29. Doctors are speaking with me like this baby might actually make it through the pregnancy, we are discussing c-sections and dates and the future and all that and I just find myself in such disbelief anytime anyone speaks as if pregnancy actually leads to a baby...And at the same time, I think I would be horribly terrified if every doctor I met spoke about the pregnancy with the level of skepticism I feel...At the paperwork prenatal appointment, in the stuff I was filling out, there was a question, "Do you plan to breastfeed this child?" and I just burst into tears. It seems such a huge assumption, and I was so taken aback by the question. I wanted to write across the page, "I no longer believe in making plans."
I've been floating about on due date and pregnancy forums and the like and I so don't belong it's not even funny. I read along as these women discuss birth plans and what they are most looking forward to about their babies, one of the questions listed recently was "what are you most anxious about?" and I was shocked at how many women were talking about things like breastfeeding and sleeping and even labor or delivery. I was like "YOU DAMN PRESUMPTUOUS LADIES! AREN'T ANY OF YOU ANXIOUS ABOUT GETTING THROUGH THE NEXT FOUR MINUTES WITHOUT MISCARRYING?" Because, well, basically, that's as far into the future as I can see.
Today it hit me again.
I was pregnant. For 41 weeks. I carried a son. I birthed a son. It took me 72 hours of hard labor. Nobody suspected there was anything wrong, except for me, about 35 hours in, but I was told I was just being an anxious-in-labor-mama. We all thought he was just taking his time. I was pregnant. I was in labor. I had a son. I gave birth. I was pregnant. I was in labor. I gave birth. I was pregnant. I was in labor. I gave birth. I was pregnant. I was in labor. I had a son.
But I don't have a baby here at home now.
It just makes my brain hurt. (Not to mention my heart.)