Saturday, March 19, 2011

3.19.11

So this post is likely to be a lot about pregnancy after loss, so those of you wanting to click away now can do so....

We had two more prenatal appointments (one with a regular OB and one with the high risk doc) on Thursday and all continues to look healthy with the bubs.  I am just past nine weeks now.  CVS scheduled for March 29.  Doctors are speaking with me like this baby might actually make it through the pregnancy, we are discussing c-sections and dates and the future and all that and I just find myself in such disbelief anytime anyone speaks as if pregnancy actually leads to a baby...And at the same time, I think I would be horribly terrified if every doctor I met spoke about the pregnancy with the level of skepticism I feel...At the paperwork prenatal appointment, in the stuff I was filling out, there was a question, "Do you plan to breastfeed this child?" and I just burst into tears.  It seems such a huge assumption, and I was so taken aback by the question. I wanted to write across the page, "I no longer believe in making plans."

I've been floating about on due date and pregnancy forums and the like and I so don't belong it's not even funny.  I read along as these women discuss birth plans and what they are most looking forward to about their babies, one of the questions listed recently was "what are you most anxious about?" and I was shocked at how many women were talking about things like breastfeeding and sleeping and even labor or delivery.  I was like "YOU DAMN PRESUMPTUOUS LADIES! AREN'T ANY OF YOU ANXIOUS ABOUT GETTING THROUGH THE NEXT FOUR MINUTES WITHOUT MISCARRYING?" Because, well, basically, that's as far into the future as I can see.

Today it hit me again.


I was pregnant.  For 41 weeks.  I carried a son.  I birthed a son.  It took me 72 hours of hard labor.  Nobody suspected there was anything wrong, except for me, about 35 hours in, but I was told I was just being an anxious-in-labor-mama.  We all thought he was just taking his time.  I was pregnant.  I was in labor. I had a son.  I gave birth.  I was pregnant.  I was in labor.  I gave birth. I was pregnant.  I was in labor.  I gave birth.  I was pregnant. I was in labor. I had a son.  


But I don't have a baby here at home now.

It just makes my brain hurt. (Not to mention my heart.)

17 comments:

æ said...

it fucking breaks my heart. i don't get it either. i really don't.

I hope this works out for you (understatement, but I do).

love
ash
p.s. you never belonged on those pregnancy forums in the first place.

katherine said...

I am so sorry Sarah. About all of it -- about Otis, about the grief you and E are living through, about the hell you must be going through these days, trying to live from one 4-minute interval to the next... Sending you love, good thoughts, and peace...

LauraJane said...

I whole heartedly agree. Presumptions. But you deserved to believe things would work out for you, we all do. This shit shouldn't happen. It's not fair.

I'm sorry for your loss.

Tess said...

Oh Sarah - I've not had to face any of the hospital stuff like that yet (thursday all being well) ... I just don't think there is any 'good' way of handling it - just getting through the paperwork and planning does sound so presumptuous, but would agree with you that hearing all the realistic/skeptical things being voiced by the doctors would not be good either.
The normal boards/forums are a no-no for me too, for the exact same reasons.

Think of you, E, Otis and your new soul and sending so much love

You have to be 9 weeks, to make it to 10 weeks, and then onto 11 weeks and 12 weeks - I'll be here with you all the way.

My New Normal said...

I agree. I've got a few friend who are pregnant. If I see another post on FB about how it's just X many weeks to go I think I may scream.

Monique said...

Pregnancy after loss is a hard road, but you are not walking it alone. Hang in there as best you can. xoxo

kate said...

i wish that you could be blissfully unaware as you walk this path - just as i wish that your beautiful son (who you nurtured and carried and triumphantly birthed) could be here...

because of what happened with E, i chose to have a cvs with both M and L. if you want to chat about what it is like, please know that i am here.

i think of you, otis and the little life growing within you everyday.

kate xx

hayley said...

morning love

It's just heart breaking that list of things; you did give birth, you were pregnant, you are a mum and yet you had to learn that horrible truth that not all mums get to keep their babies. I wish there was a way you could enjoy this new pregnancy like you could with Otis, or at least get to have those banal motherhood worries.

much love to you and e and o and this new life.

h.x

Hope's Mama said...

Sarah sweets, you've just nailed this. I hated talking about the future in Angus' pregnancy, and by future I meant just an hour away! That's about as far as I could look. Your last paragraph stopped me in my tracks, as if you replaced son with daughter, this was so similar to my own horror story. Their lives ended in slightly different ways, but we endured similar things on the path to losing them. I really can't believe it still.
I'm so bloody sorry this is your reality as well.
Think of us as your pregnancy forum. We'll keep it real, with no breastfeeding questions or birth plans in sight - just hour by hour survival tips.
xo

Lori said...

Though I have not an inkling as to what you look like, here I sit, imagining you soon with a big bulging belly. I hope you get there, mama. I hope you do. That's what we're here for, to help hold the hope that you dare not have. It's like Tess said, 9 weeks to 10 weeks, and 10 to 11 and we'll be with you every step of the way, no matter what. xo

Missy said...

My brain very much cycles around that last paragraph until my head hurts and my heart want to bleed straight out of my chest. I wish it weren't so and Otis was home in your arms. I can definitely understand testing the water on the forums because you want to be fully and whole heartedly excited about your baby and join in that excitement with other people, but please be kind to yourself. We're all here for you as Sally said hour by hour if need be. All my love to you mama~

Jenn said...

Presumptuous, indeed.

And yes, this life path we've been given makes my heart and head hurt, too.

Thinking of you and praying for you. xx

Merry said...

I did exactly this yesterday. I sat in my bed and thought "I had a son. I didn't bring him home." It just seemed... unbelievable.

Brooke said...

I hate the cycle of misery that my thoughts can spin when I think about giving birth to a baby and not bringing her home. I hope for you that eventually (or even some of the time) you'll have a sense that being Otis's mom is not a liability in this pregnancy, but a source of strength and purpose and faith that in this world where we can make no plans, we can still seize the moments that are given to us and take all the joy they have to offer. I hope this pregnancy is that gift to you. And I hope we're all so lucky.

katherine said...

Just wanted to let you know that I will be thinking about you today... Hope everything goes smooth and painlessly... And of course, I hope the results are nothing but perfect. Will you be getting preliminary FISH results?

katherine said...

so I'm on the east coast, and my today is your tomorrow, but you know what I mean...

bibc said...

i too am pregnant with twins after a loss. i am looking forward to following along with you after clicking over from brooke's blog.
best wishes to you and sorrow upon reading about your beloved Otis.
xoxo
lis