Friday, August 26, 2011

On Karma and Psycho Beasts, part two

The ever-amazing and truly gifted Angie at still life with circles is answering questions this week.   Given my recent experience with the crazy lady (see below post) who dared to insinuate that Otis's death was somehow my husband's karma "biting him in the ass," I turned to Angie, who I knew had some pretty extensive knowledge on the subject, to help me out.  Her response is truly amazing.  Thank you, Angie.

And for those of you who rallied with me in the rage and helped me to feel not so alone, thank you.

The addendum to the story is that the woman tried to get in touch with E yet again last week, and tried to EXPLAIN herself, with a seemingly rational sounding voice mail, to the effect of, "I think you're misunderstanding me....I'm not trying to offend you.  I'm just saying that I've taken stock of my own life, and I realize where my karma has come back to bite me, and I wondered if you had ever considered asking yourself the same questions....I'm just saying that our consequences catch up to us, and maybe that's what finally happened with you."  (By the way, she has kind of a high pitched, yet slow with her words, saccharine voice, the kind of voice that a really, really, really annoying 22 year old yoga teacher who took a weekend workshop and now considers herself a guru of sorts might tend to use.)  (And I get to say stuff like that because, well, I taught yoga at a gym and probably even at times was accused of being a little too fluffy, though my students have all reassured me that what they liked was that I didn't have that saccharine edge to my teaching or my voice...but I digress.)  She also sent like 10 text messages trying to "explain" her makesnomotherfuckingsensenomatterhowyousliceit nonsense.

Needless to say, we have now blocked her number so she cannot text or call.  I do feel like I've moved past it, but damn, she really fucked with my head there for a few days.  After her second bout of "trying to explain" how Otis's death was our karma, I sat in the kitchen and HOWLED and SCREAMED and stared down the knives and pictured all the horrible things I wanted to do to this woman and then yelled about it, too.  Not exactly enlightened, not exactly compassionate, certainly not on the eightfold path, but at least I didn't actually ACT on any of those thoughts, right?

Friday, August 19, 2011

A Whole Lotta Rage

So last night, E told me he had gotten a text from an ex-girlfriend (no, this story is not going in that direction, thank God.)  This is a woman he dated over 12 years ago.  She's pretty nuts, and has exhibited unstable behavior a few times in the last few years, but E is a good man, and has felt like she sometimes has no one else to turn to, no voices of stability in her life, so he's been a listening ear and a shoulder to cry on for her from time to time.  I don't feel threatened by her, never have, so that's not the issue.

E was at his computer, on facebook, trying to figure out how to defriend her, and asked me if I knew how to defriend, so of course I asked details.  He tried to not tell me, saying it would hurt my feelings, and he didn't need me to know, it was nothing, she was worthless...but his secrecy of course then got me anxious, so then he told me.

Her text to him, out of nowhere (meaning he hasn't spoken with her in at least a month, other than a random FB comment thread about frozen yogurt), was "So I've been thinking.  All that horrible shit you've done, I guess karma really bit you in the ass, huh."

I never really understood the phrase "seeing red" until last night when he told me those words.  I wanted to hurt her.  Just like I wanted to smash dishes a few weeks back, this time I wanted to smash all her bones.  How DARE she insinuate that (a) Otis's death was "karma" and (b) that E ever did anything horrible to her (or anyone)...Part of what upset E the most was that he has no recollection of ever doing anything even slightly crappy to her, other than breaking up with her, but even that was amicable, or so he thought.  And he's been there for her through 3 am sobbing phone calls and other psychopath behavior...with nothing but a gentle heart...oh, man, I was angry.  May she NEVER, EVER, EVER cross my path.  I will hurt her.  I will cut her.  I will.  Hell hath no fury like a woman who has been told her child's death was "karma."

I tried to vent to E about all this, about how angry and mad and rageful I was...and, bless his heart, his response: "I'm trying to be compassionate..."  He went out to the garden and hammered some rebar stakes that needed to be set in the ground.  He took lots of deep breaths.  He reminded himself (and me) that this woman is in horrible pain, and not that that excuses her behavior, but rather that we don't need to let her pain and misery taint our experience.  That her words came from a place of pain, and that he feels sorry for someone so devoid of love and compassion herself that she would ever even think those thoughts, let alone share them with anyone, let alone share them with US.  He took her off his FB account, deleted the text, and is carrying on.

While we are both very raw and fragile today, it was yet another moment that made me love him all the more and made me realize the power of my Mama Bear Protective Instinct towards him, and towards my babies - don't cross my path.  I will hurt you. 

Special thanks to those of you to whom I sent out an SOS last night and you rallied with equal ire and let me vent....incredibly good to know you've got my back in situations like this.  May there never be another situation like it again.

Wednesday, August 17, 2011

Rainbows Tonight, Around the World

Tonight I sit here flooded with tears, overjoyed at the arrivals this week of Sally's beautiful Juliet and L's (who glow moms know as Lola's) beautiful M (name redacted for L's privacy) and Brianna's beautiful Clio...  To see photos of them holding these healthy, gorgeous, amazing children...I'm without words, simply just loads of tears.

I guess maybe these three are my first real stories of successful pregnancy after loss, women that I connected with early in the days after Otis died, women who have been tremendous friends to me through the last 11 months, women who conceived, carried, and now delivered babies in the time that Otis has been gone.

It gives me hope, brings me joy. A bittersweet joy, of course, but I'm beginning to realize that all joys from now on will be bittersweet.  I know Elizabeth McCracken has a perfect quote about it, which many of you know: "It's a happy life but someone is missing.  It's a happy life, and someone is missing."

Much love and light to all of you mamas.

Friday, August 12, 2011


Eleven months since you came into this world, my baby boy....

I was remembering last night the first time I saw you, when they wheeled me down to the NICU, to see your beautiful face, and how my heart just burst at the sight of you.  You were absolutely perfect.  Your lips, your nose, your head full of hair...your long fingers, chubby little legs, and oh - your skin - so soft, so perfect.  I didn't know it was possible to feel how I felt just then - but I actually felt my heart stretching at that very moment.  You took my breath away.  You changed my life.  You gorgeous boy.

My god, how I miss you.

Your papa and I have been talking about what to do next month for your birthday.  Today we made plans to spend that night at secluded resort not far from home.  I'm still not sure what we will to do to honor the day for you, but know that September 12 and 13 will be all about our love for you, our memories of you, and the legacy you have left for us as we live in this world.  It's a broken world without you here.  A beautiful, broken world, full of contradictions and confusion, full of love and life, full of you, and yet so empty all the same....

Forever your mama, forever loving you, forever missing you. xo