I think there are times when grief mimics so many other ailments, both mental and physical...lately I've been feeling like I'm grappling with forms of ADD - my ability to focus on anything is so limited. I notice it especially in my interactions with people outside of my immediate comfort zone (i.e. E and a few select BLMs who understand without me having to explain anything, and maybe my bff Jill.) I can't focus on their words, on their lives, on what they share...it makes me feel like a horrendous friend and like a failure in so many ways...
And yet I also barely have the attention span or focus to feel badly about watching my friendships wither and suffer through this.
I spend most of my time alone these days. With the dogs, so there's that. Watching bad television or reading books when I can focus - but even the third book of the Hunger Games trilogy is taking me weeks to finish because I can only stomach it in small doses or else I end up feeling so powerless, so sad, so angry. Last night I fell apart in anger and sadness and I think a good part of it had to do with my having read Mockingjay for a good couple of hours in the afternoon.
I mean, I'm surviving. A lot of times I'd even go so far as to say I'm "okay."(Thanks Brooke, for being able to say it so much more eloquently than I can...) But it's felt pretty mediocre lately, and I have trouble settling for mediocre. I mean, sure, I made it through Mother's Day in tact, with only a few breakdowns late in the day. I sleep through the night, I shower, I go to work, I laugh, I manage...I'm functioning. It just feels so less than satisfying right now.
Baby brother update, for those of you who are interested, is that I'm now a little past 17 weeks pregnant, baby is growing strong and I'm starting to feel his little fluttery kicks every now and again (but still super rarely.) I'm still seeing the peri for weekly ultrasounds and at our last appointment the peri saw that my SCH seems to be breaking down into smaller pieces (he says it's a good thing but we never know if he's just trying not to scare me). But it's still there, I'm still on modified activity, and I still have bouts of being scared out of my mind about all sorts of complications - some that theoretically would be related to the SCH and some that are just me being an anxious mother who had the worst outcome in her last pregnancy so how could I be anything but anxious...We scheduled the c-section at our last appointment as well, which felt so crazy to me, being the superstitious woman that I am, and it seeming to be so far off, but my doctor really wanted to get me on the calendar now before his schedule filled up, so that's what we did. When he talked about the surgery and the after the surgery with me, he mentioned "And that's when we bring the baby to your chest, and you two do skin-to-skin while we stitch you up" and out of nowhere I felt like I couldn't breathe. Because, well, that's where I didn't get to go with Otis. Otis never nuzzled into my skin, I never held him to my skin, I didn't get those moments with him. So to have it spoken about like it was something I might get to do with this babe, oh, it just made me so very sad. I cried in the shower later that night rethinking the doctor's words. I can't quite place the tears - are they sadness? hope? fear? love for this baby as well as for his older brother? A little bit of everything, I imagine.
We also have been talking about names. We have one that seems to be the frontrunner these days, and E has even taken to calling baby by that name most of the time. Again, my superstitious self feels like it's asking for trouble to be thinking like this. I know I've said this so many times, but I just hate that I can't be an innocent, oblivious, happy pregnant woman through this pregnancy.
I have moments of feeling this baby will be coming home with us. I have moments of imagining the worst happening all over again. I can't quite stay in the present moment and just be with what is, right now. I have no idea what that would even mean, except that I guess today it means we are planting flowers in Otis's garden and snuggling with the dogs and reading books and watching bad tv.