Today I'm wracked with questions about what I did to "make this happen."
Both on a very practical level (Was it lying on my left side? He never seemed to like it when I was on my left, despite what all the pregnancy manuals said. And after I got my morphine shot 24 hours into my labor, I slept for 4 hours on my left. And the next day was the day I was really panicky about his slowed/lack of movement. Was it during those four hours? Was it cumulative from the pregnancy?)
And a very emotional level (Was it my hesitance about "being ready" for a baby? Was it my anxiety about whether or not E and I would be good parents? Was it my fear of PPD or losing my independence or losing our "coupledom" as we became a threesome? Did I scare him out of deciding to stay with us?)
The questions wake me up in the morning. I lie in bed for usually close to an hour, with a steady stream of questions running through my mind. They almost always include a lot of "What Ifs" - and a lot of "Why Did I" and a sprinkling and smattering of "Will I ever feel/think/be/do..."