Tuesday, October 19, 2010

Questions

Today I'm wracked with questions about what I did to "make this happen."

Both on a very practical level (Was it lying on my left side? He never seemed to like it when I was on my left, despite what all the pregnancy manuals said. And after I got my morphine shot 24 hours into my labor, I slept for 4 hours on my left. And the next day was the day I was really panicky about his slowed/lack of movement. Was it during those four hours? Was it cumulative from the pregnancy?)

And a very emotional level (Was it my hesitance about "being ready" for a baby? Was it my anxiety about whether or not E and I would be good parents? Was it my fear of PPD or losing my independence or losing our "coupledom" as we became a threesome? Did I scare him out of deciding to stay with us?)

The questions wake me up in the morning. I lie in bed for usually close to an hour, with a steady stream of questions running through my mind. They almost always include a lot of "What Ifs" - and a lot of "Why Did I" and a sprinkling and smattering of "Will I ever feel/think/be/do..."

8 comments:

Maddie said...

I think we all go through this but most likely is was nothing you did or didn't do, felt or didn't feel. Not that someone telling you that stops the thoughts running through your head. Hugs. xx

cullensblessings said...

Oh sweet mamma- no- no to all of it though I doubt it gives you any comfort.
The what-if's are the worst- there is no arguing that.

æ said...

We talked about this--the cruelty of the what-Ida, especially the blaming ones. I wish every part of you could know you did nothing wrong. Nothing.

Love you
Ashley

Alex said...

Oh, sarah, nothing, you did nothing. I know the senselessness of it all creates such a massive space for these questions to proliferate, but you did everything you could, you respected your body, you nurtured that little sweet boy, you were thoughtful and loving and all the things you could do, you did.

Wishing for you some peace, some relief from these questions. You are good, Sarah, so, so good.

kate said...

Oh honey ... I understand why you ask yourself these questions - you wouldn't be human if you didn't - but I also know that nothing you did caused this and, like alex, I wish you peace and relief from the questions that run through your mind.

Hugs.

Kate xx

Missy said...

I saw the memorial page for your beautiful Otis several weeks ago and am glad that I found your blog. I am so sorry that you are here, but all of the wonderful blogs have helped me so much, as well as writing my own stuff. My son liked the right side and I liked my left. I tossed and turned so much I was convinced forever that this was why the cord was all around him. The medical professionals say no, but really how much do they know? I beat myself up for a lot of things, but it's something I have to do to be able to let it go. Peace to you Sarah

soni miami said...

My baby is alive but has birth injury. I ask myself the same questions and cannot sleep on the night. It hurts doo much to think I did something wrong and not know where. Should I have gotten induced? It would have been a good hospital, not like the one wether he was finally born... but inductions also ho wrong, and we both had such a bad terrifying feeling. I think in that aspect err did the right thing?
I hope you are fine by now with your baby angels.

soni miami said...

My baby is alive but has birth injury. I ask myself the same questions and cannot sleep on the night. It hurts doo much to think I did something wrong and not know where. Should I have gotten induced? It would have been a good hospital, not like the one wether he was finally born... but inductions also ho wrong, and we both had such a bad terrifying feeling. I think in that aspect err did the right thing?
I hope you are fine by now with your baby angels.