Monday, November 8, 2010

Can I get some prayers, thoughts, intentions and juju?

We have a meeting at the hospital on Friday to go over (again) pathology and autopsy reports with our care team and the social worker.

I am an anxious mess, already. I am barely sleeping and I am flipping out at every turn of the road.

If you're so inclined, I'd appreciate prayers, thoughts, love, candles, whatever you think might help.

The last time we got the reports it was like Otis died in my arms all over again. I am terrified this will be another one of those days.

I can't fathom it getting any harder. Well, actually, I can...but I can't fathom being able to muster any sort of strength to make it through life if it gets any harder. It's already taking every bit of reserve I have. And it's already unbearable. And it's only Monday. Mondays are usually the easiest day of my week.



æ said...

you have it: my prayers, thoughts, juju, mojo, esp, and peas. i mean this--this week, friday, and after. did you decide on bringing anyone with...? therapist, lawyer, the good witch chiro, janelle? also i could (seriously) send you annabelle. or her man friend shadworth from australia. we'd be honored.

love you

Jennifer said...

You have every ounce of good thoughts, prayers, love..... everything I've got.... coming your way....all week long.

æ said...

whoa sarah. is it going to be even harder to meet with them on the 12th? i know you've said dates don't necessarily feel like the sting, but thinking of you.

fia said...

all i've got is coming your way, lady.
love you.
xo fia

sarah said...

Thanks, beautiful women, I appreciate it.

Ash, I don't think the date will be an issue. It hadn't even occurred to me, to be honest. I do seem to have more trouble, both physically (I start bleeding heavily) and emotionally (heavy grief) on Fri-Sat-Sun, which I do think corresponds to the days I was in active labor and birthing my boy, but right now it seems like days of the week correspond more than dates do. Perhaps more months (or years) out I will be more in tune to the 12ths than the Fri-Sat-Sun business. But thanks for thinking of me and pointing out that that may make it tougher than it would be on a different day.

Jill will be in town and staying with us Weds-Sat this week, so we may ask her to join us as a more objective observer/witness. I don't think we want a lawyer there, not at this time at least. And Janelle has her hands full right now and is also pretty grief-laden as of late, so I don't want to put that on her to ask her to be there. My therapist was really good at helping me to realize I don't have to act on any thing right now, I don't have to decide anything right now. That it's okay for me to have emotions and feelings and at the same time I don't have to DO anything (in re: to litigation, etc.) The push for litigation seems to have lessened in my mind right now, but that's not to say that it won't reappear after our meeting.

What is true is this, right now: I have to take care of myself and do what will feel and keep me safe, and part of that is putting this request out here, and part of that is lining up reinforcements and friends and family to be with me through the weekend following the meeting as well as through this week. I'm barely above ground right now, and really, I just need to figure out a way to keep breathing...moment by moment.

Thanks for being here, friends.

Missy said...

You have so much strength to even go to the hospital. I won't drive anywhere near mine lest I have a moment of insanity and drive my car through the front door. I will be thinking of you.

æ said...

there is so much wisdom flowing through you sarah. i'm honored to be part of your walk these days, you are doing it with such self compassion. i'm serious. really looking ahead ot caring for yourself and asking for what you need. and i'm glad jill will be there to come home too.

and it makes so much sense that it would be more about are so in touch with your body and its rhythms and always have been, and days of the week have those just like seasons do. i wish days of the week didn't cycle around so damn much, sweetie.

i will be thinking of you, will keep thinking of you, will be at the ready if you have some way i can particularly help, in addition to sending you all my love


Anonymous said...

You've got it... always.

zubeldia said...

Hi sweety, you have all my love and good thoughts, and I'll be thinking of you constantly. Sunday is always the day when we really focus on Otis here...

I am (we are) here in other ways, too, my friend. By phone, text, email... whatever might be helpful, sarahlu.

hayley said...

you've got it; prayers, wishes, love, hope. bringing someone who might be more able to hear and remember what happens in the meeting sound very smart. I hear you hon, one breath at a time.

love h.x

hungry for hunger said...

we will send all of those things buddy.

the extra set of ears is a good idea. and if you think of questions in the next few days you want to ask and are afraid you won't be in a spot where you can remember; you could write them down and give them to Jill to ask for you.

Jenn said...

Absolutely. Will be praying all week for you. I hope it goes well, all things considered.

kate said...

love and prayers are yours sweet sarah.

kate xx

Maddie said...

Thinking of you today. I found Friday through Tuesday (the days Matilda was alive) hard for the first few months. Now it's the dates and occasionally (once so far) the dates line up with the days and it seems harder all over again.

Keep breathing and you're right - you have to do what keeps you feeling safe.

Tess said...

Thinking of you Sarah and wishing you so much strength to get through these nasty days now. Be selfish to your own needs, I know you know that, but sometimes its just nice to have it said and said again.

Another way to look at it is to see the connection to your Otis. Although they maybe painful, terrifying and heart wrenching memories; they are just that, a connection to your baby and that shows how much you love him.

Just breathe Sarah and know things do eventually get a little better