Saturday, November 20, 2010

For the record

Today was as difficult as any. Body-wracking sobs and more snot than one body should be able to produce. I miss my boy so much. I want my baby. Otis, Otis, Otis - I called his name out to the heavens all day long. I screamed and yowled and the pain finally manifested as physical pain - my back seized up between my shoulder blades and has been in spasm for a good couple of hours. My hips ache.

I thought that labor and childbirth would be the greatest pain I would ever have to know or endure. In my sobbing today, again, it reminded me of being in labor here at the house. The pain almost unbearable, the "I can't do this" pleas to E, the wanting to go to the hospital so they could somehow make it all better. Today I wanted that as well. I wanted to go to the hospital, and somehow get an epidural for my heartbreak. I want to numb myself, I want to hibernate through the winter, I want to wake up in a shiny happy spring somehow.

The lilac bush outside our house has been in the ground for five or six years. It has never been a particularly enthusiastic bloomer. In its best spring, it probably had six or seven blooms on it at its height of blooming. For some reason, it has decided to bloom this week. And is covered in buds. Well, I should probably say it WAS covered in buds - tonight's winter storm of sheets of rain and hail probably knocked them all off. It's good to know I'm not the only one that is totally confused about which way is up around our house. I'd like to think that somehow the lilac's magic/confusion is some sign from Otis, or from God, or something magical...but I just don't have enough faith or belief in anything like that anymore.

I am so fucking broken.


æ said...

i love you sarah, and i think of you all day long. i'm so sorry for this agony, for otis' death. i want you to have your babe too.

you sound anything but broken. how else could this feel?

love love love

Maddie said...

I remember the physical pain - it used to hurt in my chest when I breathed. And I remember posting on a loss forum - 'Someone please tell me it won't hurt this much forever'. At the time I couldn't imagine it wouldn't. Keep taking it one day at a time - cry, rant, scream, throw things, do whatever you need too.

And we'll be here to support you.

Maddie x

Jennifer said...

Sarah, I'm so sorry for the loss of your sweet boy, Otis. I wish words can help take the pain you are feeling. But I know it's not enough. This grief we carry is heavy and unrelenting. It's a soul-hurt.

But this sisterhood of baby loss/lost mothers are here for you, with you, abiding by you. As Maddie said, we'll be here to support you.

Thank you for dropping by my blog. Are you somewhere in the Bay Area as well? This gloomy, non-stop rain in our area is not helping us in our grief. *sigh* I hope the coming days will be gentle on you.

Love and peace to you. <3

Hope's Mama said...

I'm broken for you. Wish I could reach through the screen now, rub your back, make you tea, listen to you scream out his name and somehow make your day just a tiny bit better.

kate said...

i am so sorry sarah... this is so fucking unfair. i wish otis were here. i wish you didn't have to be broken & completely undone by grief. it tears at my heart to see you suffer and know that there is nothing i can do except listen and try to offer some words of small comfort. i wish that were enough. i know it is not.

kate xx

Angela said...

I don't have much to say other than: me too. That epidural sounds amazing. I want to bypass all of this pain and all of these emotions. Thinking of you and Otis, mama.

hayley said...

love, I am so sorry. I am wishing for a day for you in which you can breath a bit easier and re-stock those reserves. love to you and Otis.

Tess said...

Your words Sarah,

'I'm so fucking broken'

Simple words, but with such a mountain of emotion behind them...
There are no words to take away this pain and hurt you have for your Otis. There is no epidural to numb this agonising pain we're left with and there is no pain to over take this and distract this heart ache.

I find myself going back to the words of a wise lady (L of Cullen's Blessings) 'grieving them is yet another way of loving them. Let yourself love them. Let yourself miss them and let your heart ache without restriction'.

Grieve dear Sarah and know that we are here
Sending much love and strength to you

Sarah said...

Oh, sweet Sarahlu, I am so sorry I haven't been around here. I've read your past few posts and my heart is breaking for you all over again. Grieve the way you need to. Scream and cry the way you need to. We're all here for you. We all love you so much.

Jenn said...

Thinking of you and sending much love. It all just sucks, doesn't it?

Anonymous said...

SO much love Sarah... so much.....

B said...

i'm so, so sorry that you are in so much pain.

i'm sitting here in the dark with you, holding your hand.