Thursday, February 17, 2011

wordless

With e no longer working I've had very little time to sit and write by myself and very little time to devote the kind of attention to your blogs that I want to...it doesn't feel right and I suspect it will remedy itself in the next few weeks but right now I'm offline more often than not (or online via my phone which STINKS for blogging and commenting)

I also continue to be so moved by our experience on Maui that I just can't put it to words. And it doesn't feel right to NOT put it to words, but right now I feel words are so little compared to the vast experience we had there.

I'll leave you with this photo, for now:

This guava fell from a tree at our feet, in the middle of a forest, just like this. We had just undergone a prayer ceremony and a salt cleanse with a traditional Hawaiian healer, and were bathing in a stream in the forest to complete the ritual.

The picture doesn't even do it justice; a perfectly shaped heart had been nibbled/torn from the peel. We saw it fall from the tree. No one else was near us as it dropped. It fell from a tree where no one could have reached it before it fell.

The day before, E had found a black lava rock in the exact same shape, and then the day we went to return that lava rock to the sea (after carrying it in our pockets for two weeks while we were there) a white coral heart also in this exact shape appeared at my feet as E threw the black heart stone into the sea.

I am one to scoff at "signs." I do not believe my son is an angel, looking over me. But these hearts bring me immense comfort, and I guess I'm having a little bit of a crisis of faith in reverse; trying to figure out something that can't be figured out, trying to allow myself to revel in the magic of it all, and to bathe in Otis's spirit as I so clearly did each time the hearts appeared to us.

14 comments:

Sherri said...

I'm cruising blogs tonight, and I don't even remember who's blog I was reading when I crossed over and found yours. You must have been writing while I was reading your older posts though. I'm truly sorry for the loss of your son.... we lost our daughter when I was 22wks in November. I've been spending a lot of time reading the words of other BLMs and have found a lot of comfort in knowing I'm not alone.
Anyway, just wanted to introduce myself. I think this experience you just shared is so beautiful and amazing!!

still life angie said...

Just this week, I realized that it took a lot of work to remain closed to these experiences and to turn away from spirituality and dare I even say, God. I guess I conflated finding peace within myself with being at peace with Lucy's death. Those two things are not the same. Anyway, that picture is gorgeous, and I love these signs, especially as they are just saying love love love. The greatest religion I know. xo

Hope's Mama said...

Just beautiful.
xo

Missy said...

Sounds like a beautiful time that provided your aching heart with some much needed healing. All my love to you and Otis and I look forward to hearing more of the Maui experience!

-Jen- said...

Sometimes allowing myself to revel in the magic of it all is what gets me through the day when I'm missing my boys and dad (and everyone else I love that got their wings too soon) so terribly.

So much love to you Sarah....SO much!

I'm pretty sure I sign in with a different name everytime...Jennifer, Jen, JL.... Let's see what it will be today....

Sarah said...

I am so glad that the hearts brought you comfort and that the trip was good for you and E. The prayer ceremony and salt cleanse sound marvelous, I'm so glad you found the healer and did that for yourselves.

You were missed. You have such a special place in my heart, I love you so much.

xoxo
Rodeo

roark said...

Sweet Sarah, I'm crying tears of joy at that picture, at the lava and coral hearts at your and E's feet, at the universe's signs.

I too struggle with believing such things and yet so treasure the signs when they pop up. I can't reconcile my beliefs and these kinds of signs, but often just think, "Hey, I don't have to." and try to just revel in the comfort and joy and power and sometimes sorrow they bring in the moments they appear. I'm so glad, kindred spirit, that you were so moved.

All the love I've got,
A

Brooke said...

I can't figure any of it out, but it doesn't have to make sense to be real. And Otis is so real, even now. It's beautiful.

brianna said...

It is so great that your trip went well and that you two were able to feel close to Otis while there.

kate said...

I love these messages of love you've been sent. I've never been one to seek out or believe in signs either but I will never forget looking up to see the "Otis" sign as we left SF. It felt like a direct and burning imprint on my heart. I could dismiss it as a coincidence but it didn't feel like that then and still doesn't now.

I look forward to hearing more about maui and your experience there.

xxx

Tess said...

I'm almost floored by those signs Sarah! The hearts you see everywhere, amazing - especially on returning one to where it was found, only to see another at your very feet. I guess that is something that can't be thrown back and I would take heart too.

I am so glad you both had a great and moving time away and your connection with Otis is renewed and refreshed
Sending so much love

Jenn said...

The signs sound amazing! I'm so glad you were able to have some connection with Otis while on your trip and that the trip itself was also very moving. Thinking of you and sending much love your way. xx

Desertlotus said...

what a beautiful image-narrative-gift. I always see signs that make me feel like I am in the right place at the right time- those signs provide comfort in a way that the thinking mind cannot. Love is all around you. How can you doubt that? <3

Hanen said...

I tend to be a bit the same, in terms of usually scoffing at 'signs', and being a little bit eye-rolly with the angel stuff. Which has put me in all kinds of conflict when I do feel something that my brain just doesn't really compute. But whatever works, works, and you are the best person to make meaning of what happens to you. That it made you feel close to Otis is a good thing. I'm so glad to come across comfort and reminders of Z these days, that I don't bother intellectualising it so much any more, I just enjoy it.