Monday, June 13, 2011

Indignant. Livid. Full of Rage.

There are too many losses in our community.  Too many losses in my life.

I woke up this morning and it was one of those days I just wanted to shake my fists at the sky and scream profanities.

From the big reasons

like dear friends in this community who are losing their second, third, fourth babies...feeling this pain for a repeat time - so fucking unfair.  so. fucking. unfair.

or my friend Adam who died unexpectedly at a "healthy" 46 years old on Friday.

to the small reasons

like people who can't fucking park their cars in a parking lot properly
or replacement orthodontic devices that cost $275 when you know the production cost is only like $50 at MOST
or dogs that think chewing on toothpaste tubes is a good idea
or bad drivers
or when I try to pull the trash bag out of the can and the whole thing tears and the nastiest smells emerge
or when five seconds later the compost bag tears and OMG the nasty rotten-something-juice that spilled onto the counter...

it's just been one of those days.

And I miss Otis so much.  So much.

Some days just EVERYTHING in the world feels wrong, because he's not here with me.


Hope's Mama said...

I know exactly what you mean.
Missing Otis with you, so much. It isn't right that he's not here in the world.

still life angie said...

Yeah, I know exactly what you mean too. The grief is relentless. The missing like death by a thousand cuts. And then the other normal bad day shit ends up being like the vinegar being dripped into each red line on your body.

Love to you. Sending love to Missy too. And so sorry to read about your friend Adam. Life is so fucking cruel.

Groves said...

Among many reasons Still Life Angie is a legend:

"And then the other normal bad day shit ends up being like the vinegar being dripped into each red line on your body."

And you are so right: too many losses. Too many losses for words. I feel it with you, all the way.

Cathy in Missouri

Mary said...

Too many losses. You said it perfectly when you said "so fucking unfair" because it really is.

Tiffany said...

i understand and feel the same way. our world at least will never be "right" because they are gone. and i wonder why it had to be us that bear this cross. :'(


roark said...

Everything IS so fucking wrong because Otis isn't here with you. So fucking wrong. And I'm so sorry to hear about Adam, and all these other losses.

The small stuff, too. At this point, you totally fucking deserve to never have to deal with stupid shit. Ripped trashbags. Asshole parking.

I say ENOUGH, universe. Rip my goddamned trashbags every single time I empty the trash for the rest of my life but FUCK, just leave my dear Sarah alone. Please?

Anonymous said...

So well said Sarah....

Brooke said...

Every small thing is compounded by grief into something so much worse. It makes me ill-equipped to handle things like compost and also hair on the bathroom floor. And then you hear of something truly heart-breaking and earth-shattering happening to people who deserve a fucking break and it really makes you wonder at our capacity to survive in spite of ourselves. I mean, having a living baby should not be too much to ask. Really.

Roccie said...

Scares the every loving shit out of me.

Every day.

Shaina Gadow said...

It is so incredibly unfair! And, sometimes completely unbearable, just too much loss.

Merry said...

Hearing you, as ever. Lots of love.

Virginia said...

And you are not alone in those feelings--I'm just so sorry anyone ever has a day like that. Hugs.