Saturday, October 22, 2011

Briefly 10.22.11

I went to a support group on Tuesday for postpartum anxiety and depression.  The woman sitting next to me was there because she was breastfeeding her daughter two weeks ago and when she stopped nursing, she looked down and her baby was blue.  Her husband did CPR and brought the baby back and she lived, but the mama is having horrible anxiety (obviously.)  They are saying it was a "pre-SIDS event" and that it was a result of "silent reflux" - ummm....not the best fodder for my own anxiety, eh?   I didn't exactly leave the group feeling supported...just more anxious.

Owen is a fussy baby.  Colicky, perhaps, the doctors tell us.  Though what is colic, other than the medical definition of "3 hours of crying 3 days a week for over 3 weeks"?  Sounds just like parameters, not a diagnosis that is treatable.  Yes, we are doing all the 5 S's, yes we are trying to eliminate foods from my diet, yes, yes, and yes - we are trying almost everything that has been suggested.  With limited success.  Some days are great, some are impossibly challenging. And, yeah, silent reflux is a possibility.  Everyone keeps telling me "this baby is here to stay" and I try to believe them but sometimes my anxiety gets the best of me.

In spite of all this, I'm doing okay, believe it or not, still sleeping in two to three hour spurts but it is beginning to be more manageable.  I am not quite as paralyzed or crippled as I was a week ago, but I still feel like I'm *still* climbing a mountain that puts Kilimanjaro stacked on top of Everest look like a molehill.

We've had four earthquakes in the last two days here, and our house is no more than 4 miles from the epicenter.  They've scared the crap out of me.  One of them, in the midst of Owen's 8 hour crying jag on Thursday, caused a bonafide panic attack that made E call in reinforcements (my brother came over, bounced O on the bouncy ball while I spoke to the advice nurse about colic...)  I've been through two really nasty earthquakes in my life (89 SF, 94 LA) and I totally have residual trauma memories from them.  I hate the way they come out of nowhere and make you literally question the ground you stand upon.  Kind of like babyloss.  Totally unpredictable, knocks you on your ass and sends you reeling in a way you never thought was possible.

Oof.

10 comments:

Molly King said...

Noah just turned 2 months and he's was diagnosed with reflux at 4 weeks. It was a lot worse before they put him on meds and added cereal to his bottle. He still breaths really loud and is a very noisy wiggly sleeper. The ped just told us it appears he also has colic or whatever they think colic is. It's scares the crap out of me when he has his crying spells. I just stare at him all the time but I'm actually getting used to not sleeping too. This is scary. All of it. All the time. Hopefully it will get easier but I'm starting to except that it may only get harder. Much love to you!

Anonymous said...

I don't know if this will be helpful information for you or not, but the Drs thought my son had colic too, and wanted me to eliminate foods, etc. But I talked with someone from LLL and she suggested that it might be an overproduction issue (since at the time I was nursing on both sides each feeding). I tried nursing on only one side each time (so that son got both fore milk and hind milk each time), and his crying and discomfort was greatly improved. Like I said, I don't know if that will be helpful to you, but maybe it is worth a try.

Hope's Mama said...

Eliminating foods never worked for me - both my babies remained fussy. I hated eliminating the food as food was making me happy (yes, I was comfort eating through my sleep deprivation, but one needs to do what one needs to do) so I just went back to a full varied diet and that made one aspect of my days simpler. I guess eventually they just grown out of the fussiness, though Angus still is such a spirited kid now. And that's part of what makes him, "him" and we wouldn't change a thing.
Hang in there, Sarah. These are long, long weeks and months. And in case you need to hear it again: you are doing a wonderful job.
xo

Monique said...

Hang in there. You are amazing.

Angela said...

The fussiness will ease up a bit, hang in there. I agree with Hope's Mama, eliminating foods usually doesn't help and comfort eating helps me through sleep deprivation too. Don't know if you've tried it, but gripe water saved my sanity. I too think you're doing a great job. Take things one day, one feeding even, at a time.

Brooke said...

My cousins in California used to be afraid to visit Missouri/Kansas because of the tornadoes. I thought that shit was crazy, coming from people who lived in the land of earthquakes. Of course, based on a misguiding illustration in a book or cartoon, I thought earthquakes were when huge cracks opened up in the earth and entire cities fell into them. So my fear of earthquakes was pretty intense.

Anyway, I hope things really are getting a bit easier. I believe Owen is here to stay.

cullensblessings said...

Oh sweet mamma i am feeling for you. I so wish I could come help you in person. Damn living on opposite sides of the country.
I wanted to tell you about one product that might help a BIT with the anxiety. Go on amazon and look up the 'Angelcare Baby Movement and Sound Monitor'. It is a tool used for helping detect breathing and movement when Owen is lying in his crib. Just a thought...
xo

Renel said...

Hmmm doesn't sound like a supper helpful environment. I think I would end up being all anxious about what other people were anxious about too. haha.
I don't know if you are into homeopathics but one thing that really helped me and is okay to use while breastfeeding in "Rescue Remedy" You can get it at natural food stores. Anyway it did calm me. I swear I was doing dropper fulls all day long. Love to you.

Roccie said...

Oh damn. There is always something lurking, isnt there? I remember the realization that the worry doesnt end when the baby makes it home. Hell, if anything you can let it intensify. Be kind to yourself and let it all settle in. I swear it subsides. Remember you are chock ass full of post birth hormones. Lots of peaceful wishes coming your way.

Missy said...

Thinking of you my friend and hoping things ease up for Owen soon. I'm with Brooke, I'll take a tornado over an earthquake any day. Love to you my friend and remembering Otis with you always~