Thursday, October 6, 2011


Time flies.

Babyboy is growing fast, and the days and nights blur past us.  This is HARD work, much harder than I ever anticipated.  Both the grieving for what we lost with Otis, and the learning curve with raising this little guy...I am so swamped, so much of the time.  Doing my best to keep my head above water, but it's not easy.  We've had help lined up (family and friends) and like 90% of them seem to have gotten sick the day before they were scheduled to help out, so we end up fending without them.  Plus, this baby came a month early.  We had NOTHING, literally, NOTHING, set up for him.  I hadn't let myself even think through the "what if he gets to come home with us?" questions yet.  Needless to say, there's a lot to set up, a lot to learn, and I've got a huge incision across my belly and was in a fair amount of discomfort for at least the first week in my recovery that prevented me from doing much other than nursing and sleeping.

Not to mention (TMI, sorry) we had quite a scare on Sunday night when my bleeding picked up significantly and then I passed a large piece of "retained tissue."  You'd think with a c-section they'd get all that out easily - not so much.  Apparently with preterm babies it can be more common that a chunk of membranes/placenta gets left behind.  Ewww.  Not to mention super scary.  I'm fine now, just a little rattled by the whole thing.

When does this get easier, by the way?

I'm madly in love with this little boy, I stare at his lips and his nose and lose myself for hours...I still can't believe he's here.  I also miss being pregnant.  I feel cheated in many ways of those last few weeks, though I also know I was also probably lucky to not have had to endure the anxiety of the last weeks of a pregnancy.  I'm so thankful he was born healthy even at 35 1/2 weeks, that his jaundice cleared rapidly and he's growing like a champ.  We still have to deal with a few "preterm" concerns and are maybe more cautious than we would be if he were born at term, but for the most part, we're super lucky that he's as healthy as he is.

From my bed, I can see a photograph of Otis.  I lie there, nursing Owen, and my gaze goes between my two sons.  They have so many similar features, there are times when Owen is asleep that I panic because I get a flash of Otis, of our last moments with him.  But Otis was such a big boy, and Owen is so tiny still.  I still can't grasp how my sturdy man, my big strong baby boy with a head full of hair, isn't here with us - I know I never will.  I miss him so much, every day.  Putting Owen's clothes away into Otis's dresser was probably one of the hardest moments so far.  "I was JUST DOING THIS, JUST DOING THIS..." I kept crying and repeating.  It seems like just yesterday, there I was, eagerly awaiting Otis's arrival, tidying and readying for him, picturing him in all the outfits, dreaming dreams for our family...and now I do the same for his brother, and yet with a constant tinge of fear, anxiety, sadness that I wouldn't wish on any new mother.  Oh Otis, I miss you.  I wish you were here with us.

I'm reading along with your blogs still, just unable to write much because I'm usually one or no-handed. Thanks for abiding.  xo


Brooke said...

God, I love Otis's hair. I'm sorry it's so hard. I hate that this time with Owen has to be so bittersweet, but I hope the sweetness is stronger than the bitter most of the time.

Angela said...

B will be four weeks tomorrow and all I can say to this is yes, yes, yes, it is so hard, but beautiful too.

bibc said...

oh this post spoke to me on so many levels. ive been thinking of you a lot. im so glad you have Owen there with you. i wish there was a way to prove to you that Otis is there too. you'll just have to take my word for it.

Monique said...

I remember getting Sam's clothes out for George and that was a sad moment, knowing my other son, my first born, would never wear them. We lost so much.

And nursing, sleeping and recouping are all you need to do right now - the other stuff can pile up.

Remembering our first born boys, Sam and Otis.

æ said...

I love you guys so much.

still life angie said...

It is just such a swirl of emotions--grief and joy and exhaustion and energy. I remember realizing right after Thor was born that sad and happy are not opposites. You can feel them at exactly the same times. Sending you love. And little O too.

B. Wilson said...

We're in such predicaments as parents of these little ones-- alive and gone. We are clinging to two worlds. I think about this a lot but feel like I'll always have one foot in and one foot out of each place I reside.

Anonymous said...

So hard, and so full of beauty alongside the grief.
As to when it will get easier.. I give about 20 years... give or take. ;o)

Hope's Mama said...

You've captured the complexities perfectly. (typed with one hand.)

Lainie said...

This is off topic, but I wanted you to know that every day on my way home in my town (Wichita, KS) I pass by a park called Otis Park. I'm not a BL mama, but I am a mama, and my heart just aches for you and your loss. Every time I pass the park, I think of your sweet boy.

I noticed today the actual intersection where the park is located: Otis and 13th.

What are the odds?