Thursday, January 12, 2012

1.12.12

Thank goodness for zoloft.

It's helping.  So much.

The panic has abated.  I'm still anxious, but not to a debilitating point anymore.

Which is good, because I've been in a bit of a chaotic craziness the last few days - losing a client (mom is a crazy alcoholic in the midst of divorce and fired me because I spoke to the husband's atty), losing my milk (and then having it come in crazy full force after taking an herb that then caused Owen to have a full blown gastrointestinal nightmare)....so in between speaking with lawyers and sending off resumes, Owen was projectile spitting up and blowing out diapers and screaming non stop...which, two weeks ago, would have felled me in one quick swoop.  But I'm still standing, breathing, functioning.  Go me!

This is a magical time in Owen's development.  He is so uber-social - he loves nothing more than to have a conversation with someone - he mimics sounds (well, easy sounds, like "hi" or "oooh") and smiles at every person he meets, it's pretty damn cute and fun.  He's turned into a pretty great and easy baby, provided he's not hungry, tired, or uncomfortable (it took me three months to figure that out?  geez.) I realized today that I no longer resent it when E won't help me put Owen to bed, I actually get greedy and want that time with him all to myself!  (Now, the 4 am wakeup is another story...)

giggling at grandma's house over christmas

My mom was over today and Owen was sleeping in my arms, mouth all agape and drooly...and my mom leaned in and kissed Owen and whispered, "You look so much like your big brother...."

It was so touching, so tender.

And he does, it's his mouth, his lips.  When he falls asleep in my arms, milk drunk or because we've been bouncing on a yoga ball for 20 minutes, and his mouth falls open like that, he looks so much like Otis.  It's pretty darn sweet and pretty darn heartbreaking all at once.

We went to visit my grandma today and she was having her hair done when we got there (she lives in an assisted living facility so the salon is right down the hall from her room).  The stylist was cooing at Owen and asked us, "You guys just have one?" and E answered "Yes." I shuddered.  It was not a moment to explain that well, sort of, just one, but two, but not two...

Moments like that eat away at my gut.  For the most part, I am upfront and vocal about Otis.  I always answer the "Is he your first?" question truthfully.  But the, "you just have one?" question stumped me today. Damn, I miss him so much.  It still boggles my mind.  I am a broken record, I know this.  It will always boggle my mind.  I will always want him here.  I will always fail at putting it adequately into words how desperately I miss him, how desperately I love him.

10 comments:

Hope's Mama said...

I wonder if on our death bed, all of this will make sense to us. You know, why our kids had to die. Somehow, I doubt it.
I'll never understand.
Love to you and missing Otis.
xo

still life angie said...

Yes, the missing cannot be described in words. Maybe in grunts and screams. Owen sounds so lovely. I do adore that social stage. Glad to hear an update. Xo

æ said...

Yes, it's his mouth. xoxo

Lori said...

aw, owen's such a cutie giggly puss. go you, indeed! happy to hear you are keeping it together, on all fronts. it's a fucking challenge sometimes. xo

Angela said...

Owen and Bennett are at the same stage, it's so fun, isn't it? I'm glad things are a little easier for you now. Thank you for writing about your journey with ppd, and how medication is helping. Owen is adorable, he does look like his brother.

kate said...

i think i will always find the fact that otis died utterly mind boggling... it still shocks me to the core... and i still find it so hard to accept (because the fact that otis is not here doesn't make any sense at all).

so much love to you sweet sarah - and your darling boys. kate xx

Brooke said...

So, so glad to hear that you are feeling better. Just one--that question is a real heartbreaker with no good answer. Sending much love.

Renel said...

Yay for Zoloft. I tried to go off mine the other day...I'm on 50mg but um....bad idea. I talked to my NP and she said...just keep taking it. So I am.
I am glad that it is helping. Whatever works right now, you should do.
OWEN! OMG he is absolutely adorable...

cullensblessings said...

He is so precious.. and god for you on feeling better! I know you said the anxiety is still there, but I hope that as time goes by this may be helped by the zoloft as well. Thinking of you all the time mamma!! xo

Anonymous said...

Sophia from Glow here. Yay for Zoloft too. Such a hard road, managing the love for the new living child and the heartache of grief for the child who died. I can relate to a lot of what you are saying. I am so glad things have improved a little bit for you. It sounds like your anxiety stuff is heading back in the right direction towards managable. You are doing an amazing job to keep your head above water in all of this.

Owen does indeed look like Otis. Both your sons are / were / whatever adorable.