Halloween (beware there is no theme or organization to this post)

Thank goodness we were inside with the World Series all night - I know I wouldn't have been able to handle walking out with all the children out on the street. E said to me tonight (after perusing FB and then bursting into tears) "I'm going to be like 60 years old before I have a kid to take trick or treating..."

He and I are on the same page right now - I feel so old. Too old to do this again. I've run out of time, according to my brain. (I know science and medicine and reality tell me otherwise...but I am so scared that I'm too old.) We hike our loop and see so many families out there, and also see a fair amount of pregnant ladies and the tape just keeps playing in my head "How old is she? How old are they? So they had that baby when they were how old? And therefore could I?" and so on and so on and so on.

I don't know when we'll be able to even start trying again. Warning - TMI in 4...3...2...1... As I type this, I am sitting on my trusty new donut cushion because FFS my episiotomy scar-in-progress has started hurting like a mofo in the last few days. Scarily enough, nothing hurt that first week postpartum - I was just totally and completely numb - emotionally and physically. 7 weeks later, it's like feeling is returning and everything is getting worse - emotionally and physically. The last few days the grief has felt more all encompassing and more hopeless and more overwhelming and more permanent than it ever did before.

Tonight after the game we walked the dogs and saw a few of the last straggling Trick or Treaters. I walked along doing mental math, like I always do, "Could I be pregnant by next Halloween?" (yes, please) "Could I have a baby by next Halloween?" (likely no) "Will I ever be able to feel happy about Halloween or will it always be the first holiday we had to 'celebrate' after Otis died?" (hopefully both, I guess. no good answer to that question.)

I just feel like everything is one big no win situation for me. I don't see how this is ever going to shift, though I hear (and read) that it does - for better and for worse. I keep hearing about the "it gets more difficult" and I just can't bear the thought. I feel like the depths of the dark just keep getting deeper. Darker than anything I ever even imagined could exist. And every time I hit the (perceived) bottom I think "Oh, this must be the worst it's going to get" and then I'll be damned if three hours later I am writhing in pain ten times worse.

My list tonight is short: I am grateful for my husband and my dogs. My family. They are keeping me alive right now.