For the record

Today was as difficult as any. Body-wracking sobs and more snot than one body should be able to produce. I miss my boy so much. I want my baby. Otis, Otis, Otis - I called his name out to the heavens all day long. I screamed and yowled and the pain finally manifested as physical pain - my back seized up between my shoulder blades and has been in spasm for a good couple of hours. My hips ache.

I thought that labor and childbirth would be the greatest pain I would ever have to know or endure. In my sobbing today, again, it reminded me of being in labor here at the house. The pain almost unbearable, the "I can't do this" pleas to E, the wanting to go to the hospital so they could somehow make it all better. Today I wanted that as well. I wanted to go to the hospital, and somehow get an epidural for my heartbreak. I want to numb myself, I want to hibernate through the winter, I want to wake up in a shiny happy spring somehow.

The lilac bush outside our house has been in the ground for five or six years. It has never been a particularly enthusiastic bloomer. In its best spring, it probably had six or seven blooms on it at its height of blooming. For some reason, it has decided to bloom this week. And is covered in buds. Well, I should probably say it WAS covered in buds - tonight's winter storm of sheets of rain and hail probably knocked them all off. It's good to know I'm not the only one that is totally confused about which way is up around our house. I'd like to think that somehow the lilac's magic/confusion is some sign from Otis, or from God, or something magical...but I just don't have enough faith or belief in anything like that anymore.

I am so fucking broken.