5.4.11

Mother's Day looms.  I want to crawl under a rock for both the build up and the day itself.

Last year on Mother's Day we went shopping for a pregnancy pillow, my belly was finally big enough to make sleeping comfortably a bit of a task.  E also gave me a book, some Pioneer Woman Country Living type guide book, seriously, about how to can fruit for the winter, how to make preserves, how to raise chickens and goats and build a root cellar and all sorts of stuff...I think he really fancied the idea of me becoming a "back to the land" sort of pioneer woman on our urban farmstead...or something.  The book sat in the stack of pregnancy books next to my bed.  Occasionally I'd pick it up and read how to grow chard, or dry spices, or make my own moccasins...and wonder when I was going to have time to do any of that...a sweet gift, wishful thinking, I told E.

And it's not like this year Otis would actually be making me a present or cooking me breakfast or anything, and I really do believe I am a mother, even though Otis isn't here alive with us, so what's my trepidation about the day?

I think a big part of it is that it's going to be another one of those days that people tiptoe around me, post hearts on my facebook wall, recognize the sadness of my state of motherhood.  It's not about my kids (or even my husband) saying "Hey mom, look at all the great stuff you do, here are some pancakes we made for you!"  Instead, it's about people feeling sad that the day is so sad for me.  And again, there's the chasm of the "them" and "me" (or "us" since I'm writing to so many who know this firsthand.)  The who I thought I was going to be, this year on Mother's Day, and the who I find myself as.

My own mother has told me that she has no plans for Mother's Day.  She is going out to lunch with a friend, and has no designs on seeing us, having me even recognize it for her in any way.  She goes on and on about it being a Hallmark Holiday and she just doesn't get it.  I guess I should be really thankful we're not doing another big family event.  (Easter was fine, by the way, though I spent a good portion of it napping or pretending to nap on the sofa, away from the hubbub and "festivity" of it all.)

I actually think that maybe we can just ignore the day all together (provided we don't try to go have brunch at some hotel or something that morning!) But E is definitely sensitive to it, and wants me to feel special and honored.  We talked about taking a weekend away, using one of the gift certificates for a fancy resort nearby that my clients have given me; but the weather is supposed to shift and be not so great for Sunday anyway, and I don't want to spend all that money on a resort if I'm not going to enjoy sitting out at a pool or enjoying the warm sun on my skin.

Anyway, bleh.

And this wasn't supposed to be all about Mother's Day, I was also going to post to just tell you all that I'm here, surviving, continuing to wonder if this new baby is still alive, seeing my doctor weekly (so far so good, they say), gaining weight, missing Otis.