Saturday, April 23, 2011

Easter Weekend

Another holiday without Otis here.  It's hitting me hard.  We went over to my mom's to dye eggs this afternoon and after my husband made this one, I sat and watched as it dried, tears streaming down my face.  At some point my mom said, "You should make an egg for the new baby too!" and I quickly snapped, "No." And everyone grew quiet. (*E did make one, eventually.  Just a little squiggle on an egg, but a squiggle to represent this new life in me, he said. Nobody else had to know it was the egg for our baby, but he and I would, he said.)

I feel horribly, being so negative.   But this should be Otis's Easter.  Last Easter, I was pregnant, newly in maternity clothes.  My family has a tradition of making "Peep Art" at Easter, from the marshmallow Peeps.  I made a "Pregnant Peep" complete with big boobs and a big round belly and long blond (ok, so it was more like fluorescent yellow) hair.  E saved it, and we just found it a few months ago, and I threw it out. This Easter, I don't even want anyone to talk about the fact that I'm pregnant, even though everyone that will be there tomorrow already knows (except for 98 year old Granny, but that's another complicated blog post for another day.)  I am purposely NOT wearing maternity clothes at all, even though I probably should be, for comfort and decency's sake.  I am avoiding them as long as I can, I don't want anyone to see that I'm pregnant, I don't want anyone thinking I'm even remotely "expecting" anything this time around.  

I think part of the pain with Easter this year is that it feels like everyone in my family, though Otis is of course still important to them, is able to move through their days without the sadness that still weighs heavy on my heart...So tomorrow, Easter Sunday, when we go to my mom's for a big supper with all the family, they will able to be joyful, egg-hunting, candy-eating, laughing, celebrating, yadda yadda-ing and it feels like this would have likely been the first family holiday where his personality was really starting to shine through (he would've been so newborn-y still at Thanksgiving and Christmas) and no, he wouldn't have been hunting for eggs or anything, but he would have been there, laughing, sitting up, doing all those things that almost 8 month olds do.  Right?  Argh. (Like I even fucking know what 8 month old babies do, for fuck's sake.)

Instead, family and friends will be there and will try to cheer me up with talk of this new pregnancy.  This new pregnancy that I cannot believe in, not even for an extended moment these days.  They may mention Otis, but it will be brief, like it almost always is these days.

I would like to crawl under a rock, skip the "festivities" tomorrow and sit at home on the sofa with the dogs.  Pretend it's just another crappy Sunday, which, in essence, it will be. Another crappy Sunday without my boy.


LauraJane said...

What a beautiful egg. :)

I struggle with the whole "everyone else being happy" thing too. I ended up caving and we're heading to the ILs house for dinner tomorrow. 1 mention of something stupid and I'm getting back into my car and coming home again.

BTW, I have no idea what a nearly 4 month old would be like AT ALL.

Brooke said...

We're skipping Easter this year, much like we skipped Christmas. D is going to a baseball game with his grandpa and I'm going to grade essays. So it will be just another crappy Sunday here, with plenty of time to miss my imaginary almost 4 month old Eliza... I'll be thinking of you and Otis as well.

I'm glad both your babies got Easter eggs this year. I know it must be so hard to see E's excitement and not want to squelch it in an effort to protect both of your hearts. But he knows what there is to lose, and I think he's being brave for both of you. Even if it just seems crazy sometimes.

My New Normal said...

In a way I am glad that I live in a different country than my family does. That way we can celebrate holidays with just me and the hubby. We can be sad if we want, or happy if we want. And we don't have to deal with any conversations we don't want to.

Hugs to you.

Monique said...

That is a beautiful egg for Otis, I so wish he were here with you.

Be gentle with yourself. I found the first year of holidays so hard and often didn't stay long at family events. Do whatever you need to do to get through the day.

Sending love.

hayley said...

I'm so sorry that you are, however much people love you, still in this grief alone. I'll echo monique and say you do what you have to to get through and if that means staying home then you do it.

all my love h.x

Missy said...

I skipped Easter and I did that because I knew it would be heavy, too heavy for me to bare. You are a strong mama to go through the motions and make a beautiful egg for Otis and the new little one. Love to you Sarah~

Anonymous said...

Thinking of you Sarah... I wish it were all so different. We spent the day at the beach.. trying to take in the beauty and the fragility of it all.

Hope's Mama said...

I skipped Easter that first year as well. Our losses were a similar time of year, so I was at a similar time in my grief, and also newly pregnant again. I can totally relate to the not wanting to wear maternity clothes, wanting to hide your bump and just not wanting to talk to anyone about anything baby or pregnancy related. I really should have been locked away in solitude for those nine months!
Love to you this Easter, mama. Remembering precious Otis.

Hanen said...

oh hon. So hard. thanks so much for your love & thoughts over at mine. Sending you lots of strength for mother's day. xxxh