Wednesday, September 28, 2011

9.28.11 aka Over My Head

I love this baby boy so much.

I miss my other baby boy so much.

I stare into Owen's face, look at his lips and his nose, and marvel.  And then I see Otis.  It's so bittersweet, the resemblance of these brothers.  One here with us, one not.

I am encountering a ton of anxiety and a lot of panic these days.  Anything "new" causes me to seize up in fear that it will be the thing that takes Owen from my life.  Every person (and there have only been a few) who has come over to "help" with the new baby has ended up feeling like they're coming down with a cold and can't stay, except my mom, who is a little oblivious in her caregiving and causes me more panic.

The other day I was panicking about his jaundice numbers and that he seemed lethargic and didn't want to feed (all the warning signs they told me to watch for) and I started to cry and my mom was pooh-poohing my worry and said, "You're just panicking because this is your first baby..."

And I stopped.

"No, actually, I'm panicking because this is my SECOND baby."


Merry said...

Oh my dear. ((((HUGS))))

Most useful numbers in my child rearing.
Age 7 days, they feed like they may never stop for 24 hours. Day 8-9, they sleep till you wonder if they broke.

Day 14-17 repeat as above.

Day 21-24 repeat as above.

Day 30. You get it, you get used to them, you start to expect the feeding frenzy. *They get over it and don't do it again. You wonder if they've gone wrong because they changed the deal.

Repeat from * until age 13 yrs plus.



LauraJane said...

I'm sure your heart hurts at the mere thought that these boys could have been fantastic friends. I'm glad, in a way, that Owen looks so much like Otis. A little reminder that he's here because of him, you know?

And I'm in shock at your mom. I realize it's a slip up, but it hurts to even think like that. Because Otis was here.

Maddie said...

I remember a huge amount of up and downs in the early days and months. So happy that Max was here - so so sad to be seeing everything we missed out on with Matilda. And the anxiety - surprisingly I seem calmer about the usual sorts of things than some of the other Mum's I know but then so anxious about things they probably don't think about - just spent the morning washing the dog's bowl and deck after giving him a worm tablet and then freaking out there were bits of it around Max was going to eat.

Hugs. Sometimes I find myself calling Max my first child and it hurts.

Can you take him to the doctor or nurse if you're worried? I just take Max - I figure even if it's over the top that it's better than sitting at home with worst case scenario's running through my head.

Maddie x

PS - We're that family too - M names for all for of us :-)

Anonymous said...

Oh wow Sarah, oh wow. Your mom? Really? Sigh. So sorry my friend.
I will tell you this.. never feel like you are overreacting.. a mother's intuition is a fucking powerful thing. Do whatever you need to do when you feel something is not right.. including waking your pediatrician if you feel your concern warrants it. There are many of us out here with living children who will be so happy to help form afar (myself included of course!!) So pleas.. you have my number.. and I too am available ANY time.. day or night.
Thinking of sweet Otis as well...

Renel said...

This post is brutal! The part about your MOTHER saying that it was your first baby? UGH stab me in the eye! Stab you in the heart! I am so glad you get to love Owen with every ounce of your existence. Isn't he amazing? The beauty of genetics is how children can look the same and very individual simultaneously. I love that Camille had the same chin, nose, ears and feet as Kai, but very different lips. That being said, sometimes I look at my son and I imagine what she would be like how they would look the same. Our living children are a constant reminder of the shadow sibling. Sigh. Hugs to you and a new love of your life.

Hope's Mama said...

My mum did this as well, but in her defence, she's wonderful. She just slipped. And I totally know what she meant. He was my first baby at home, my first shot at parenting. In many ways, he was just like a first baby, only he wasn't. I get it though, and I of course pulled her up as you did with your mum.
Also have to give a shout out to Merry! Her comment has really helped me. Newborns are crazy man. I've done this twice now and I still can't figure them out. Only that they are hungry!
Still, I wouldn't trade this for the world though and I will say, it has been slightly easier this time around and I'm slightly less batshit crazy :)
Love to you. Love to both of your sons.

Kate said...

I'm so sorry your Mum said that. Ergh.
I agree with all of those above, especially trusting your primal mother instinct. A friend said to me when Xavier was just a couple of weeks old, if you're in doubt, take him to the doctors/emergency, if they find nothing wrong then all is well, but you'd hate if there really was something wrong. Turns out he had septecemia (sp?)!!! Her words also 'no newborn should have a high temperature that should't be checked, and I never forgot it. Sorry if that adds to your anxiety, that's not my intention.
Much love and ease as you navigate through these crazy early days with Owen and the missing with Otis - your precious boys. x

Brooke said...

Oh, mercy. Your mom. Sending love to you and all the O's.

Monique said...

My two boys looked a lot alike (my husband has strong DNA apparently, as he somehow clones himself with his offspring). It was hard, and still is. Hang in there, sister.

Sarah said...

Wow, your mom of all people. Lots of love and hugs to you and family.

Roccie said...

This sounds like it hurts a lot. I cannot imagine the timeframe you are surviving. I never had any overlap between my girls. They were very different events. I have nothing but quiet support to send your way. It sure sounds like it hurts.

I bet your mother is broken too by her mistake.

brianna said...

Oh no, your mother must feel terribly about saying that. I am so sorry that she hurt your feelings. Definitely not something you want to deal with when you are already feeling spread thin emotionally:( Hope you and Owen are doing well.

More pictures please! He is just such a beautiful baby.

Jenn said...

Ah, your mom messed that one up. I'm sorry it's so rough right now, Sarah, and I hope it eases up a bit for you soon. This must be such a hard time for you, emotionally, physically and of course trying to deal with everything while sleep deprived...