Wednesday, September 14, 2011

Recombobulating


Those midwesterners have a great sense of humor.  This is the area just past the security checkpoint at either Madison or Milwaukee airport, where you put your shoes, jewelry, belts back on, where you replace your laptop into its case, yadda yadda yadda.  

I feel like I'm in a bit of a recombobulation area myself right now, so pardon the jumbledness of this post.  In the midst of all the anniversari-ness, I also started showing some signs of preterm labor.  For an hour or two there on Sunday night, I was in a complete panic that this new baby boy was planning to arrive on Otis's birthday.  He didn't, thank goodness, and I'm still trudging along at 35 weeks today.  My c-section is scheduled for one month from today.  It remains to be seen if we'll make it that far.  The baby's quite healthy, as far as every NST and perinatologist can tell, it's just that he may be a little eager to join us.  I see my perinatologist tomorrow and may have more answers then.  What's that they say about the best laid plans...

So, yes, the last few days have been intense, and that's an understatement.  I am still recombobulating.  

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * 

We marked Otis's first birthday, and the one year anniversary of holding him as his heart took its last beats.  We cried, we laughed.  We spoke much of how perfect he was, how gorgeous he was, how much joy he continues to bring to us...and we raged with our fists to the sky at the terrible injustice that he's not here with us anymore.  We relaxed, we floated in a gorgeous pool overlooking the most picturesque rolling hills, we counted our blessings, we wished on stars and held hands and stared googly-eyed at one another over fancy meals.  I awoke to a nightmare - the kind that leaves your hair standing on end and your heart racing - more than once.  

I read your notes, your emails, your calls, your texts.  I saw photos with my boy's name on them.  You made donations in his name.  You talked of him, you talked of us, you held us with love and kindness.  I felt every bit of light you shone in our direction.

We toasted to you, to the pillars of support that have held us up this year.  We toasted to him, our beautiful baby boy, here in every way except the way we most expected and wanted.

And we are surviving.

I want to share these words, written by my dear friend Lucy on Otis's birthday card.  I can't think of any better way to say it.

Dearest Otis,

On your first birthday, I celebrate the love you have brought into the world, the wonderful parents Sarah and Erik have become, and the way you have opened up so many hearts.

Thank you for being part of the good stuff, of the light, of the things that make humanity worth joining in with.  You are deeply loved and deeply missed and that can never change.

love peace and light to you, most beautiful and precious baby boy and to your family too.


14 comments:

KnottedFingers said...

I'm very thankful that you are still pregnant. And my prayers and thoughts are with you.

Surviving is hard some days. It's been 4 years for us and sometimes the pain is still so new and fresh and painful

æ said...

love to you all. also that lucy xox

LauraJane said...

Beautiful letter to Otis from Lucy. Otis is every much a part of all that is right with life and loving, even thought it's so much to bare without him here.

xox, momma

Merry said...

Thought of you every day this week :)

cullensblessings said...

Lots of love to you Sarah.. and thanks for the laugh from that sign!

Missy said...

Love to you my friend. I'm glad that you and E were able to spend some time relaxing and reflecting on your precious Otis~

Renel said...

That is an awesome sign...I think I should put it somewhere in my house...maybe it is where all the left socks are to be found.

How wonderful that you have a friend who loves your family so much to write a beautiful card for Otis. Big hugs to you. Sending my love and missing.

Hanen said...

Glad you had a beautiful day for your beautiful boy. Glad to hear his little brother didn't make an unscheduled entrance just yet. Thinking of you and sending lots of good recombobulating thoughts xxxx

Hope's Mama said...

What a huge few days you've had. I have been thinking of you so much. Remembering Otis always and thinking of the new boy soon to join your family. Glad he's staying put for now.
xo

Monique said...

Remembering Otis and sending love. xo

Sarah said...

Love to you and E. What a beautiful letter from Lucy.

Rodeo

Brooke said...

Lucy's letter makes me cry. Remembering Otis always.

Roccie said...

Ride on safely. I bet the pre term was pretty terrifying and the timing sure doesnt help. Raw enough days already. Sit tight baby.

Jenn said...

I'm sorry I'm late in posting this Sarah, but wanted to wish a belated Happy Birthday to Otis.