Monday, September 5, 2011

Surviving. Day. By. Day.

Thank you for all your kind words on my last post, and for the emails and notes I've received as well.

I've been remembering those first few days.  Waking up in the middle of the night, checking my phone, reading an email sent by someone clearly in a different time zone (Sally, Maddie...) who had been awake while I was asleep, and your words giving me the ability to take another breath, to get back to sleep for an hour or two of respite.  Thank you.  A mere mention on twitter from Angie or Jess letting me know I wasn't alone...miraculous.  And then the friendships that developed from there - I feel blessed to know you all.  As time passed and sadly, newly bereaved mothers joined this group, I have made some tremendous friends - lifelong, You Can Call Me in the Middle of the Night and Sob and I Will Always Be There friends.   Friends with whom I am equally comfortable discussing baby loss, fashion trends, celebrity gossip, marriage challenges, craptastic reality television, quirky dog behavior...I don't know what I'd do without you, really.  Thank you.

So here we are, the first of the milestones of the month: Labor Day.  Remarkably uneventful so far.  A neighbor stopped me yesterday to tell me she had been thinking of me and E all weekend, remembering last year, our hopefulness, our anticipation; and that her heart is with us more than ever now.  Very kind.

Last night we went to my mom's for a Labor Day bbq.  We have cousins visiting from Alaska.  My brother's son and Otis share a birthday on September 12.  My mom had mentioned that she wanted to make cupcakes to mark birthdays - her birthday was last month, a dear friend (who was at the bbq) celebrated his birthday last week, my cousin from Alaska's birthday was a few days ago, my nephew's birthday was next Monday.  That was all she said.  I didn't expect her to mention Otis's birthday. I know she knows, but she often falls in that "I shouldn't mention it because I don't want to make you sad..." group.

But last night, she brought out a platter of cupcakes.  Candles in many of them.  We sang happy birthday, she passed them out.  One to Rick.  One to Octavio.  One to Claudio.  One to herself. And then she came to me, and put one down in front of me.  "And this is for Otis.  Though he's not here with us, it's still his birthday next Monday, and we will always remember him."

I didn't cry, I smiled.  My soon-to-be-three-year-old nephew ran over and asked "Tia Sarah, can I help?" and I picked him up on my lap and he blew the candle out.  And I smelled his hair and snuggled him close and gave him a kiss.

So true.  We will always remember you, Otis.  I wish you were here with us.  Mama loves you more than ever.

14 comments:

Renel said...

You may not have cried but I did. I am so glad you smiled...I hope the rest of september is as "uneventful" as it has been so far. XXOO

Heather said...

I cried too. It sounds like a nice weekend - as nice as it could be.

Merry said...

How lovely of her to do that. You are very blessed to have a mum who can :)

PS; hunt me down on Twitter? I'm MerrilyMe.

Maddie said...

I cried too. It's so hard remembering those last days before our worlds were blown to bits and we all imagined things would be so different. Sending my love as you walk through these milestone dates for the first time.

Hanen said...

So glad your mum made Otis a cupcake - beautiful. Squeezing your hand as you get through each of these hard days.

æ said...

Ashley loves you too.

I'm here all month. (And then some, of course.) Otis has been shining especially bright in my heart since getting to hug you.

cullensblessings said...

Wow.. what an unexpected moment of beauty from your mamma. I cried for you tonight mamma.. and will be thinking of you as we get through the next few days.

still life angie said...

Beautiful post. I teared up. To have them remember, wow. I am thinking of you these days. Otis' first birthday. One year without, it is so impossibly long and really no time at all. With love. xo

Hope's Mama said...

You already know this, but I am thinking of you so much right now. And of course, dear baby Otis.
xo

Missy said...

I've just been crying all day so of course I cried some more reading this. I'm glad that your mom did that for you and your sweet boy. Love to you and Otis always~

kate said...

i cried...

so much love to you dear friend.

kate xx

Brooke said...

Oh tears for you and Otis and your sweet mom. Sending you so much love.

Roccie said...

I am glad it has passed with family and friends around you to help you celebrate Otis.

Please count me among those you could call anytime.

Tiffany said...

that was so sweet of your mom it brought tears to my eyes. thinking of you...