Thursday, December 23, 2010

fuckitall part two, with a dash of SOS


In tears, snot, and blood.

I am now having my third or fourth spell of bleeding in 5 weeks (I can't even call them "periods" because well, a period implies a cycle, some sort of pattern, and there is NONE here). This last "cycle" was seven days of bleeding, five days of not, and now I'm bleeding again.

My doctor has been extraordinarily helpful, in as much as he can help - because there's very little he can offer other than the referral to the Reproductive Endocrinologist, which he already arranged (I go on January 4.) He doesn't want to put me on hormones now because while it would regulate my cycle it would prohibit the RE from gathering any good/true reliable testing information. So I just have to wait until then to see what the h-e-doublehockeysticks is going on with my body. The OB offered me another ultrasound to see if there is retained tissue, though I've already had two and it looks like a normal uterine lining to him...just that I build it up and break it down in a matter of minutes. He doesn't think an u/s is necessary, he just is trying to offer me some reassurance that things are not catastrophically bad. He does want me to go get a pregnancy test, not because he thinks I am pregnant but rather that I could still be producing HCG in some really effed up twist of cruelty or something like that. But of course labs are closed because it's christmas for crying out loud. I'll go next week I guess. (And yes, since you and everyone else seems to want to make sure of this: I am taking my iron supplements. Yes, the digestion-friendly liquid yummy version.)

This spell of bleeding, like the last ones, sent me into a tailspin. I can't handle these tailspins with the frequency and intensity that they seem to be coming right now. Every glimmer of hope that I might be someday able to have a regular cycle and someday try to conceive and someday get pregnant and someday have a living, take-home baby - every single glimmer of hope that that someday might happen for me get suddenly and completely shattered when I realize that my hormones are doing ANYTHING but getting themselves balanced. And it sends me into a really dark despair. Really. Dark. More Duck and Cover crouching in corners. More eyes crusted shut with tears. Less ability to eat, get dressed, speak, think, breathe.

My therapist and I talked a lot about meds today. My best friend (who is very much NOT a western med pill pusher) and I talked a lot about meds today. They both seem to be leaning towards my trying them. My husband seems to be leaning towards me not. (Which is interesting, because in my last foray onto them, four years ago, he was a staunch believer and supporter in their efficacy. I have to believe, somewhere, that he knows me best and I should maybe just trust his judgment on this one...)

I have no fucking idea. I am just so miserable, and I'm having trouble seeing any light at any end of any tunnel, or even believing that a light exists. Shit, I don't even believe that a tunnel exists. I just pretty much believe that I have forever been destined to live in a deep cavernous hole of muck and dirt and black tar and ooze and sludge and monsters and demons and sad sad sadness. No tunnel, no light.

Weighing possible pros and cons of meds....Pros: A little bit of breathing room. A little bit of space to function (eat, sleep, shower = things I've been getting a little "can't be bothered" with). Decreased anxiety while I slog through this bit of waiting to ttc. (It's gotten pretty bad.) Perhaps less physical pain, too (depressed posture = aching back.) Cons: I gained 20 pounds last time I was on ADs. I am still about 15 lbs higher than my pre-pregnancy weight, and one of the things that I find tricky right now is how I look at my postpartum heavier body and feel really sad about it. I don't want to ttc on ADs, so I'd have to taper off before that. Tapering off last time SUCKED - I had brain zaps and headaches like nobody's business. I don't know if I'm actually depressed, or if this is just grief. It's starting to feel more universally debilitating, which is why I suspect depression. Another con: last time, my cycles got really screwed up while on the meds. I've already got that base covered, but I don't want to mess it up more. Up in the air: I have no idea if they'll help. I will have no way of knowing if its the meds helping or time passing, since I suspect that things might feel better for me just with the passage of this next few weeks of time. Moving away from the holidays. Away from the darkest day of the year. I just don't know.

Not to mention that I don't have faith in anything working one way or another, either. I pretty much figure whichever path I choose, I will regret it and think that the other one was probably a better path. I thought I was making the best, wisest, most informed decisions when I chose to labor the way I labored with Otis. And he died. So how the fuck am I supposed to expect to make wise, informed decisions and believe they might have positive outcomes?

What I do know is that this is totally and completely unbearable. Everything hurts.


Missy said...

Sarah I wish I knew what to say to make it all better. I wish I could make your body shape up and treat you right. I wish I could make the decisions for you so you would curse me instead of yourself. Please know that I am thinking of you, Otis, and E. Please know that you are loved by mommas who will not judge you for the decisions you make. You must do what is best for you at the time. Even if that changes tomorrow and again the next day. We'll be here. We'll be patient. We'll love you.

Hope's Mama said...

I'm hurting for you. From head to toe.

æ said...

with so much love for you sarahpealulu. what an impossible knot to try and tease apart. whatever you decide, i hope, can be in some way the "right" decision, because you do know you best, and the lack of there being a right answer is about the question, not you my dearest.


p.s. hormone fluctuations in this middle of all this (understatement) unfair

kate said...

oh honey... i am so so sorry. i understand about needing to cling to hope. without it, there is nothing. i am praying for your body to find its rythmn and for your hope to grow stronger. i love you.

kate xx

ps i have lit a christmas candle for otis this evening (it is xmas eve here). it burns so bright for him.

hayley said...

oh love,
this is so unfair, I am so so sorry that your hope is being dashed like this. I'm sending my best healing love to your body and your heart and the hope that you get some moments of peace.

all my love h.x

Angela said...

My hormones were all over the place after she died and it made the grieving so much worse. I have little advice - well, none actually - but I want you to know I'm listening & I'm sorry everything hurts so much right now.

Love to you, E and Otis this Christmas.

Anonymous said...

Oh sweet Sarah- please call me if you want to talk IRL- you have my number and I am home all day- not going/doing anything..

I can literally feel this pain and frustration- I feel it the second I started bleeding way too early last month and knew I was fucked for awhile. It is awful, encompassing and so very full of a different kind of pain- like living the loss all over again- which we do daily don't we.

I just wanted to give you my thoughts on meds. I think your husband is right- but the reason I think it is different. Your appt. with the RE is comming up very soon. I really think that if you can make it to that appt. without meds you should try. I know they are bound to start a treatment plan, and I fear that if you have anything in your system that is not part of the plan it may set you back weeks further before they can begin the monitoring they are sure to be doing. Does that make sense? Basically I think that the less you are taking before the RE the better. Once there, if they feel that it is ok to use during a monitored cycle you could make the decision at that time, but at least you would not have that risk of having to wait further.

I know this doesn't help for shit- but it is just a perspective from the outside. I am thinking of you mamma... and I am always here.
Love- l

Sadkitty said...

I'm going to have to agree with your husband too. This is the HARDEST part of grieving, this three month-ish time. And doubled up with random bleeding and the holidays. Well, there is no pill in all the world that is going to make that okay. I had severe post-partum hemorrhage at about 7 weeks. Then, I really wanted to try meds a few weeks later because I was so tired of bleeding and being sad and unable to function. They made me itch inside and out.
Grieving sucks and it would be great if we could medicate it away. And it does look and feel like depression, it's grief though. Ugly, excruciatingly painful, and inescapable.
It's such a long tough slog and we have to go through, there is no way around it and no way back.

I hope you can find some hope and healing in the near future.

Take care, Emily

Sarah said...

oh, Sarah, I am sending all my healing thoughts and prayers to your poor body right now. It feels so unfair that you have to go through this. I wish I could make it better, so much.

I know that whatever you decide to do will be the best decision you can make at the time. It may never feel 100% right, but you will do the best you can do with what you have, I know you will. And we will all be here to support you all the way.

I'm sending all my love and prayers to you