Wednesday, December 8, 2010

Obligatory TTC post

***Disclaimer: lots of TMI in this post***
***Don't be surprised if this post disappears shortly after publishing***

I also want to preface this post by saying I'm pretty cautious about putting all these details out in the blogoverse to be read by anyone and everyone and I wish blogger could password protect individual posts because this would be one I'd password protect! At the same time, I've kind of become an open book in these last few months, so, whatever, here goes:

I really, really, really want to be pregnant again. I am surprised that I want this, so soon. And then again, I'm not. I knew the day we lost Otis that I wanted to be pregnant again. I actually always knew, throughout my pregnancy, that I wanted to have a second child close in age to Otis. At one point in my pregnancy, E said to me, "So if you give birth at the beginning of could be pregnant again by DECEMBER!" I quickly corrected him, and cautioned that it was highly unlikely that I'd be ready, plus I wanted to breastfeed for Otis's first year, yadda yadda. (I barely had the heart to tell him that I was pretty damn confident that I'd want NOTHING to do even with sex, much less another pregnancy, three months post partum.)

But of course, everything is different, everything has changed now that Otis isn't here with us.

My doctor gave me a timeline of late February to start trying again. He said ideally he recommends a year between full term pregnancies, but at my age, wait six months. But if I got pregnant in the four month range, he said, it wouldn't be cause for alarm necessarily...At the time he told me that, my physical state was still very much NOT conducive to even thinking about sex so February seemed fine to me.

Then I went and saw him and had a procedure done that tremendously sped up my physical healing, a few weeks ago. Which made it possible for me and E know.

I woke up last week with a twinkle in my eye. My sex drive had magically reappeared after many, many, many moons. Oh, thank you, universe. And almost just as magically, E came home from an appointment that morning, saw me in my sweats, slippers and sweatshirt (no joke), and said "Wow, babe, you look really sexy today." (He hasn't said this since I was pregnant, I swear.)

We were nervous (ok, terrified is maybe a better term) because we had no idea how it was all going to work out....first time since Otis died...first time since I gave birth and got all sorts of hundreds of stitches...first time with stretch marks all over my belly and a whole new body to contend with...first time with all that emotion...yikes.

But we took a deep breath and took a leap.

And gah, I don't want to kiss and tell but it was really great. Beyond great. Emotional and beautiful and so very loving and tender and really, really fun. And, well, wow, we needed that, all of it.

We haven't been using protection. And again, without too much detail, we've kind of been like newlyweds. (And I'm talking your stereotypical newlyweds, because we had been together for 7 years when we got married...)

Of course, I am wondering now if I can get pregnant. I mean, sure, I know I *could*. But would I?

And at first it was just kind of wondering. Daydreaming. Then it became thinking. Then it became...well...what's one level shy of obsessing? It's taking a lot of headspace now.

Yup, I got out the good old ovulation predictor sticks. Looks like I am ovulating or just ovulated this week. I didn't tell E. I just kind of mumbled that if my body wasn't ready to get pregnant, I wouldn't get pregnant. We continued to forgo any forms of birth control. I didn't do any wacky postcoital headstanding (which I may or may not have done in Otis's conception...), I'm not taking my temperature (yet)...E really doesn't like Trying To Conceive (even when he really wants a child) but he really likes Having Sex - and the distinction between the two is pretty strong for him. For me, the lines between TTC and getting some good oldfashioned lovin' are more blurry. So I've kind of told myself that we're just having sex...but I've also been really aware that this could get me pregnant. I said at the beginning of this post...I really want to be pregnant.

And now I'm starting to count dates, imagine myself taking a pregnancy test, imagine how or if I'd share any of the news, imagine if I'd get scolded by my doctor for not following his Feb/March timeline, worry that if I did get pregnant this soon OF COURSE it would end in a loss because my body couldn't possibly be ready again in my first regular cycle, worry how I'd make it to 38 weeks, wonder how I'd do being pregnant on virtually the same seasonal timeline I was last year (Otis was conceived on December 12). Granted, any baby conceived at the same time as Otis would be born probably 3 weeks before his birthday, because I would have a c-section at 38 weeks and Otis was born at 41. (See, I told you I've done all the planning and imagining and counting. Sheesh.)

The dates thing doesn't freak me out, though I know for other BLMs that is an issue. Obviously, I'd like Otis's birthday to remain HIS day (but he already shares it with my nephew). I won't have a baby on that exact day. Beyond that, I don't feel strongly that I'd have an issue with the dates being close together.

I am worried, of course, that this is too soon. For my body, perhaps for my heart and for my soul (though that part feels more like a question mark than a statement.) This is the prayer I've been sending out to the universe, "Please, please, don't let me get pregnant unless I'm ready physically to carry a healthy baby through a live birth. Please body, don't betray me by giving me the immediate gratification of getting pregnant if it's not going to stick, or if it will be dangerous for my health, or that of a baby, or if it will jeopardize this amazing closeness I've found with E."

If you all wouldn't mind co-conspiring with me with a similar wish/thought/prayer/intention for our family, I'd be so grateful.


Missy said...

Thinking of you both. And you are not over-sharing because I felt exactly this way two months ago and it's nice to read the same thoughts and feelings you yourself have felt. It's hard to just let yourself go and not get caught up in the what if's and dreams of what could be if it happened this month. I started my vitex today so here's to hoping we can one day share stories of happy pregnancy and birth. Much love to you lady!

Anonymous said...

Done. I wish this for all of us.
You know where I am at- so maybe by some grace of the universe we can walk our next pregnancies together. I sure do hope so. I want it so badly I can taste it.....
Is it bad to chew up a bottle of vitex a day? Ha- kidding. Kinda.

Anonymous said...

Sarah I have been reading your blog for a while now and I read many others. I really really really really hope you do not delete this post... I LOVE it!! It was just what I needed to hear tonight...I needed to know that its okay for us to have some fun and be sexy in our sweats. You rocked this and I am hopin you are pregnant with my whole heart tonight!!!

hungry for hunger said...

Dude, I'm co-conspiring with you to such an extent it flirts with creepy/weird.

Hope's Mama said...

OH my god girl, this was me, totally! There are so many similarities in our stories, and this is yet another one. I wasn't too "damaged" physically after giving birth. A little tear, but that healed well and quickly and we did as you just described (!!) just four weeks after she was born. It was also all of the things you described, and I had feeling I *might* have been ovulating. I was so, so desperate even though my ob told me to wait at least 3 months, preferably 6 and that it would probably take the full 6 months anyway. She doubted whether my mind and body were ready, but I thought she didn't know what she was talking about. I knew I was ready. I wanted it more than she could have ever possibly known.
It did take the full 6 months. I don't say that to scare you or put you off as it doesn't mean it will be the same for you. But the wait did almost kill me, as quick as it was when I look back, so I am hoping like hell it is not that long for you. I worried all the time. Second guessed everything. Thought carefully about dates and planned and timed sex like a crazy person. Yes, there was post-coital butt raising, let me assure you!
I'm just glad you guys are connecting again and taking all the right steps. I think your heart needs this and I'm sure if your body is not quite ready, it is very, very close. Obs can talk all they like about the best time to wait, but when the previous baby has died, I think it is very different. For me I know the longer the wait, the worse it would have made things. And losing a first child makes it different again. You became a mother, that role got stolen from you, and now you just NEED to mother. You NEED to hold your live, healthy child in your arms. You NEED to take them home.
I totally, totally get this.
Thinking of you and sending you all the fertility vibes I have.

Hope's Mama said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
æ said...

totally in your corner, sarah. in all the ways you need.

and, i'm so glad you and e are getting to enjoy the closeness. you two deserve this at the very least, and i know how much you appreciate it.

Sarah said...

Consider your self co-conspired with . . . all the way. I am so glad that you and E are connecting like this. Your heart and body need this healing and I am so glad that you are getting it.


Angela said...

I'll absolutely co-conspire with you. I too was surprised at how desperately I wanted a baby after Charlotte died. I wanted to get pregnant right away, but I was told to wait until September, at least, so I did, but it was hard to wait.

I'm happy you and E are connecting and close. It is good for the body and soul.

There are so many of us who want to be pregnant now. It would be wonderful if we could walk through our next pregnancies together.

Jenn said...

Will be praying for you Sarah, absolutely. So nice to hear that you are connecting with your hubby, that is a wonderful thing and I'm so glad for you about that. I hope everything works out perfectly for you all along the way. xx

hayley said...

hoping and wishing alongside you sarah. very happy to hear about you in your sexy-sweats and that you and erik are enjoying each-other.

love h.x

zubeldia said...

hoping, hoping, hoping alongside with you, my friend. I really do believe that ovulating and being able to get pregnant is just a natural sign that your body could cope with pregnancy so soon after Otis' birth.

Loving that you and E are finding this closeness - spiritually, emotionally, physically.

brianna said...

Jenn, I am co-conspiring with you.

Keeping my fingers crossed, sending positive vibes, and all the other stuff too.

B said...

lovely post. i hope it happens fast for you.

it took me a long time to get pregnant again. nearly a year (!!!!!!!!!!!). but if you do end up getting pregnant quickly, then i'd talk to maddy of after matilda. she got pregnant full termvery quickly after losing her baby - she had matilda at 34 weeks and she died a few days later. her second pregnancy went smoothly and her baby max is nearly 3 months now.

in the meantime, enjoy the s-e-x :)

Heather said...

A mom needs someone to mother. I hope your TTC journey is short and sweet.

Simply Me said...

Oh Sarah, I am so behind you 100% in this process - whatever it may be. So glad that you were able to enjoy being with E again and that you could really feel that goodness.

Lots of love,

sarah said...

Decidedly NOT pregnant. I'm already bleeding again. 17 day cycle. For fucks sake.