Saturday, December 18, 2010

oh fuckitall

I am battered and bruised. Beaten down. Crying uncle and begging for mercy.

How is it possible that this is worse now than it was three months ago? How can grief have snuck up like this, tricked me into thinking I was doing better than I was, and then smacked me down on my ass and left me for dead?

I miss my boy. I miss him so much. I miss me, too.


12 comments:

Maddie said...

I think with time the shock recedes, the reality sets in, and all the supportive friends move on with their lives and then you realise where you really are and it sucks and it's awful. And Christmas really really doesn't help. I felt much worse at three months than I did in the early days and then fell down another hole at five months and then somehow I found some breathing space. Hang in there. I'm thinking of you. Maddie x

æ said...

sarahlu, i miss people i love the longer they've been gone too <3

i love you, and i miss you too (.disclaimeryoudon'toweusyou)

ash

Missy said...

I've read in a lot of places that the 3 month mark is the worse. Even worse than the day. I struggled the most with the guilt of having a good moment let alone 10 of them straight. Having the 3 month period in the midst of the holidays, I can't even imagine how much harder that must be. Sarah, please know that we love you and are here to listen and hold you up.

kate said...

sarah - i am finding otis and you on my mind more than ever (which means literally almost always). i think finally the shock and disbelief are receding and i am truly absorbing your heart-breaking loss - it is becoming part of my very being. my heart feels so impossibly heavy. i grieve for otis and i grieve for you sarah. i miss you more intensely with each passing week, whilst also understanding and accepting that you are on your own journey. i wish i could do more for you.

i read a quote of dylan thomas the other day and it gave me some comfort & a sense of hope.

"Though lovers be lost
love shall not
And death shall
have no dominion."

I am trying my hardest to believe this.

kate xx

Merry said...

You are at the low, the real low. In even just a few weeks you will begin to do just a little better than this. Some days you will hate that you are dong a little better, but you will draw some strength from knowing you've got through a day a little more whole.

This is the low, I promise, 5 months will not be so bad.

Angela said...

Three months out was my lowest place. I was a miserable mess from the three month mark to almost the four month mark. Three months plus the holidays is so much to handle. Things will improve soon; try not to feel guilty when they do.

B said...

sometimes it goes like this. for me one of the worst times was ten months out. i suddenly fell back down the grief hole, and it was hard to bear after thinking i was doing ok, that i was getting better.

but it didn't last forever, and these days i find it very hard to accept just how ok i actually am. i don't really want to be.

and i miss me. i'm closer to who i used to be than i was, but i'll never be the old me again, and i hate that.

sending love x

cullensblessings said...

Walking this shit in the midst of December is completely cruel and unusual madness. I am thinking of you sweet mamma.. holding you up with weak and bruised arms...
Love- L

still life angie said...

fuckitall should be a word. Totally unrelated, but worth noting that in your worst moment, you created a word that just about perfectly captures what it is like to be in the third month after your baby dies.

I could say a thousand things about how it does get better, and I think you know this, but knowing you are at your worst point doesn't make it better. My only bit of advice is that I think you should do what you need to do to get through this period. I read all the Sookie Stackhouse books, the twilight series and the entire Harry potter series, even though I am not really into supernatural books, or wasn't. Watch every episode of Flight of the Conchords, or drink wine, or take bath after bath. Think of it as moving through time. My love and thoughts are with you.

Hope's Mama said...

Sending so much love. This is an awful time and I can promise you this was one of the lowest points for me as well.
I second all of what Angie said.
Missing him with you, Sarah.
xo

Sarah said...

Sarah, I love you so much. You, E and Otis are constantly on my mind and in my prayers. I can't imagine how difficult this season must be for you, and the three month anniversary. You're in my heart.

xoxo
Rodeo

Jenn said...

That 3 month mark is rough. It was very rough for me, too. It will get better, I promise. Sending much love your way. xx