Sunday, December 26, 2010

Boxing Day

One year ago tonight, E was off at work, and I realized that I should have started my period that day. It wasn't a month that pregnancy was even really on my mind, at least not as much as it had been in months prior. It had been a busy month, we hadn't had a ton of time to go about trying, with traveling and fighting and all sorts of all the good things that the holidays normally bring about...

And yet, unlike in those other previous months, that second line showed up.

Once my hands stopped shaking long enough to be able to type, I got online and emailed with some dear dear dear friends. I've spent tonight remembering the hilarity that ensued, with digital photographs being sent back and forth, me running to the CVS at 10pm to buy more tests (along with tampons just in case I was wrong), text messages, more emailing, lots and lots of shaking hands....My life was forever changed. It was the first time I had ever been pregnant. First time I had ever watched as that second line shows up on a pregnancy test. Wow.

I sent off a text to E, "Come home from work as soon as you're finished. I have one more gift to give you."

I wrapped up the tests (by that point I'd taken at least three - one of each variety - one with the two pink lines, one with the blue plus sign, and one with the word "pregnant"). He got home about midnight. He came into the bedroom. I was giddy. I handed him the box.

He opened it. He wasn't surprised. I watched as a huge smile (a huge, nervous smile, I might add) spread across his face. I asked for a kiss - and as he leaned in to kiss me, he admitted he had walked in the house, poured himself a shot of whiskey and then come to find me because he was pretty sure of what I was going to tell him...

Otis, from the moment I found out, I loved you. I wouldn't trade our life together for all the riches in the world. I miss you every moment of every day, with every breath I take.

We toasted you last night at Christmas and we had a moment of silence at the dinner table to mark how very very missed you are, baby boy. We all love you so much.


Hope's Mama said...

It was Dec 13 for us. A day I'll never forget and I'm sure in some way, I'll always stop to reflect on it. We then told our families we were pregnant on Christmas Day and nothing will ever come close to how special that Christmas was.
I'm thinking of you so much, Sarah. The next nine months or so will be tough, I'm not going to lie. But we're all here for you.

Sophia said...

This post has me in tears. Beautifuly written as always. Whatever way that Otis exists now, I have no doubt that he thoroughly knows how much he is loved by you and your family. Wishing you peace Sarah, wishing I had some peace to send to you....

æ said...

oh sarah I'm crying. wait and then I saw that sophia above me is too, and I thought for a minute it was the other sophia--fia--who was the first one there that night too. this post, this memory, has me all over the map (not like you of course, but in my own way as your friend and someone who looked forward to meeting otis from the time he was a line of a stick, a second line!). I can't easily think of other nights I've had so much fun as when you took those tests. I forgot about the trip to CVS--what fun that was! I was sitting in our dining room on the laptop, shrieking with delight, laughing at how silly we all were as we egged you on to take another, and another.

until, of course, we saw the photo and got to go about assuring you that there was no question about that second line.

oh otis <3

to the moment of silence at your dinner table last night...bless your heart sweet otis, and your lovely mama here too. you have touched us all forever.


æ said...

hi sarah, me again. i went and read the pregnancy test wave. and his birth wave. and the waves after his death, before you'd found this place, and . well i don't really have words for it.

i want to have words, but i just have this overwhelming sensation that i have only ever had before when otis was born and died. at the time i thought "this is what 'tragedy' feels like." I remember first understanding that word then, and so viscerally.

so sorry, without the words, just to say that i was there again tonight, and i'm here right now, and all the things i said to you then are still true now.

with so much love, and sympathy, and sadness, ashley

sarah said...

Ash, thanks for being a witness, for being alongside me through this whole thing. For rereading and revisiting when I can't.


æ said...

yes, still here. here.

i've got those waves sarah. i'll keep them. they are so agonizingly beautiful, sickeningly perfect. that feels almost adequate...sickeningly perfect. so perfect that it's sad, that it rips me up inside, turns me inside out, chokes me on myself. i remember waiting for those first pictures of your handsome fella...remember so much. words.

love always

My New Normal said...

My pregnancy test turned positive on Christmas Eve so I know what you're going through. Combining two big events in the same short span of time hasn't made the holidays any easier. As I mentioned on my blog, last year was the best Chrstimas ever and this year was the worst Christmas ever. What a difference a year makes.

fiona said...

hello, my dear sister alex sent you to me. i am lost. i have a moment of comfort here. thank you. fiona x

Sarah said...

We prayed for Otis in church yesterday. He is remembered and honored and loved. I love you, Sarah.


æ said...

sarahlu I hope it's okay for me to take your space here and say to fiona that i am so, so sorry for your loss and for the agony you must be going through. lots of love to you from another friend of your sister. ashley

Catherine W said...

What a beautiful post. I'm so sorry that your much anticipated and beloved little Otis isn't with you. Loved so much from the moment you first knew of his existence. I remember that feeling of giddiness, such a special time. xo

hayley said...

Otis' life was bracketed by absolute love. what a happy day that was last year and exciting and funny too. I was sat in bed at my parents house laughing and laughing and all those texts, emails and waves kept coming. I went to sleep smiling. I am so honoured to have been with you that day. he was a ray of light your little man, he still is.

I read this post this morning and then, like ash, I went back and read old waves. you were so happy, everyone was, he brought happiness with him.

Otis, you are loved, now and forever.

sarah, I love you so much.

(me). x

zubeldia said...

oh, Sarah, I remember that day so well; so much happiness, so much hope, and you going out to the store to buy another pregnancy test, and me checking my phone in the middle of the night to check out the photo you'd sent of the 'line'. It was so special, such a gift to share that moment with you, with this band of beautiful women who love you and who love Otis so, so, so much.

And Fi, I am so sorry, so, so sorry for your devastating loss. I love you.

fia said...

oh, sarah.
i love you so much.
i remember that day with such clarity - i was beside myself with excitement and felt so honored to be a witness to that gorgeous discovery.

when otis died i went back and read it again.
i have read it many times since, with such an overwhelming blend of tears and delight.

otis has been loved so deeply by so many from long before he was even born. what a gift he is. and what a fucking devastating loss, the greatest loss imaginable.

tonight i'm thinking of you and remembering that giggly, joyful, extraordinary day one year ago.

xo fia

Tess said...

Sarah I am so glad you have such wonderful memories to look back on, hold them dear to you; it was the start of something great. I am also heartened by all your comments of remembrance and love - Otis is still a part of peoples lives, not just yours.
Much Love to you and E

Anonymous said...

Tears mamma... tears and love.

brooke said...

Christmas was so terribly difficult. This post recalls all the joy I felt when I saw two pink lines--I found out I was pregnant on Mother's Day. We kept saying that we could only hope this would be our worst Christmas ever. May 2011 bring hope to all of us.

kate said...

sweet sarah - i know i am late coming here, but i too wanted to acknowledge the journey we went on together - the excitment and anticipation and love we all felt for you and otis - every step of the way. his death has shaken my world to its core and i know that this is largely due to the fact that you shared otis with us from the moment you knew he existed. for 9 months i watch you and he grow together - and it was so beautiful to see.

with much love and tenderness,

kate xxx