I'm doing better.
E is not.
He's having a shit time at work, and it's gotten really bad. He's having horrible anxiety and panic attacks and it's breaking my heart to see him crumbling like this. He works for an abusive, jekyll and hyde manager and it's gotten to the point where it's now giving me anxiety, because I am so upset with how he is treated at work. (His boss said something to the effect of "At any other company if your son died you'd get three days off, maximum..." and he said it in front of E's co-workers as well....and that's just the icing on the cake, he really is such an asshole, it's just devastating to watch E's spirit get trampled on like this.)
E texted me tonight when he had arrived at work that some more bullcrap had gone down, and that he was stressing and feeling anxious and broken. I kind of wanted to leave my work, at that very moment, drive to E's work, and tear his boss a new one.
I had a heart to heart with my mom about it, and she agreed with me that he needs to quit his job. She assured me that we'll figure out the finances of it and that E's health and sanity are far more important. (I hope he agrees that it's time to quit. He's at work right now so we haven't had a chance to discuss it yet. But I think E will be relieved to get out of there, I hope he is ready. I actually would love it if he just up and quit tonight.)
I am scared of how we'll survive, financially, but I am more terrified of him having a heart attack, or falling apart in some other way due to how unhappy he is with work.
I hope he doesn't think that staying in his current job would somehow be the "responsible" thing to do. To be fair, he was going to be going back to school in the fall regardless, so there was going to be a shift in the nearish future anyhow, it just seems like this is going to speed up the process.
Since having this moment of realization that he needs to leave this job, NOW, it feels like I've been able to breathe again. It feels like a huge sigh of relief for me. I hope it is for him too.
I think this is one of those moments that I feel is being precipitated by Otis's death...I was speaking with another bereaved mama yesterday about how my capacity to take bullshit has changed so drastically in the last four months...and I think this is one of those times...where I realize what's really important - and it's not E's paycheck. It is his spirit, our marriage, and living a life of integrity...
I love him so much.
Otis, your papa is one amazing man. I am so blessed to be traveling this path with him.
Please keep us in your hearts and send some good juju our way as we move through this transition.