Tuesday, January 25, 2011

1.25.11

I'm doing better.

E is not.

He's having a shit time at work, and it's gotten really bad. He's having horrible anxiety and panic attacks and it's breaking my heart to see him crumbling like this. He works for an abusive, jekyll and hyde manager and it's gotten to the point where it's now giving me anxiety, because I am so upset with how he is treated at work. (His boss said something to the effect of "At any other company if your son died you'd get three days off, maximum..." and he said it in front of E's co-workers as well....and that's just the icing on the cake, he really is such an asshole, it's just devastating to watch E's spirit get trampled on like this.)

E texted me tonight when he had arrived at work that some more bullcrap had gone down, and that he was stressing and feeling anxious and broken. I kind of wanted to leave my work, at that very moment, drive to E's work, and tear his boss a new one.

I had a heart to heart with my mom about it, and she agreed with me that he needs to quit his job. She assured me that we'll figure out the finances of it and that E's health and sanity are far more important. (I hope he agrees that it's time to quit. He's at work right now so we haven't had a chance to discuss it yet. But I think E will be relieved to get out of there, I hope he is ready. I actually would love it if he just up and quit tonight.)

I am scared of how we'll survive, financially, but I am more terrified of him having a heart attack, or falling apart in some other way due to how unhappy he is with work.

I hope he doesn't think that staying in his current job would somehow be the "responsible" thing to do. To be fair, he was going to be going back to school in the fall regardless, so there was going to be a shift in the nearish future anyhow, it just seems like this is going to speed up the process.

Since having this moment of realization that he needs to leave this job, NOW, it feels like I've been able to breathe again. It feels like a huge sigh of relief for me. I hope it is for him too.

I think this is one of those moments that I feel is being precipitated by Otis's death...I was speaking with another bereaved mama yesterday about how my capacity to take bullshit has changed so drastically in the last four months...and I think this is one of those times...where I realize what's really important - and it's not E's paycheck. It is his spirit, our marriage, and living a life of integrity...

I love him so much.

Otis, your papa is one amazing man. I am so blessed to be traveling this path with him.


Please keep us in your hearts and send some good juju our way as we move through this transition.

9 comments:

Missy said...

What a dick! Twice in my life I have up and quit a job with no planning or back up plan; nothing. I just knew that I had enough and whatever would come could not be near as bad as what I was living with. The other night I told my supervisor that I would go work at a strip club before I would ever work at child protective services again. No one deserves to be repeatedly beaten down like that. No amount of money can replace sanity once it's gone. It will be scary, but it will be okay! Thanks for the tips on the big CA! I am so looking forward to the trip! Glad you enjoyed the photo! ~Much love to you Sarah!

One Crazy Mommy said...

That isn't even true!! A co-worker at my husband's work, recently lost his little girl. He was told to take as much time as he needed. Same with other baby-loss parents I know. A parent is supposed to be given at least a week, if not two. His boss sounds real heartless. I certainly hope E agrees and quits his job. It's hard enough to loose a child, without it being thrown in your face.

ania said...

What nonsensical and thoughtless treatment. Even if the supervisor can't conceive your husband's grief and the way that it impacts E's life and yours, there was no need for such treatment or such words. Also, the gist of the statement is not factually or anecdotally based.

I think about you all, all of the time. I pray for you, too.

With care....

zubeldia said...

My God, it's hard to believe that someone could say something like that; it's just horrific. Otis has a wonderful, mama, too: to really support and love and look out for E like this even with all the financial anxiety - it says many things about you, Sarah.

With so much love.

hayley said...

I hope the conversation with e went well and that e can be gentle with himself. what a total arsehole that manager is, what on earth is he thinking?! cruel and stupid; you're right he doesn't need to be around people like that.

It is touching to see the way you and e are taking care of each other.

love to you both. h.x

Hanen said...

Hey Sarah, So good to hear you are feeling better, so sorry to hear E is having such a rough time. His boss sounds like he has no idea about grief - i wonder how he'll cope when he loses someone he loves. It is such a good thing when you realise you can free yourself from these kinds of stresses - hope the conversation with E goes well. The other option might be to find out whether E can take stress leave / sick leave for some time - it sounds like he'd have excellent grounds for that. Sending lots of love to you xxh

Brooke said...

Just reading about the stress E is feeling at work made my stomach get all knotted up. There's nothing like getting the world knocked out from under you to remind you that money issues are far less important than we usually make them out to be. Any new start sounds like it would be preferable to his current work situation. Thinking of you guys. So glad you're taking good care of each other.

Tess said...

Has E quit yet?
Has he left a steaming great big turd on his boss' desk?

Joking aside Sarah, he needs to be taken down a peg or two, a new hole ripped for him too! I am so heartened that you are back on top of things and are there to fully support E; your mom too. I hope that he can see through all the crap and lighten his load by indeed quitting that job - his boss deserves a lot of grief (not as we know it though, no one deserves that).

I totally get what you mean by having this new moral code to live by now - not judged by material things, but by feelings and emotions, by closeness and love, trust and mutual respect - that we do thank our precious babies for.

I hope the transition is a smooth one and I'm sending you all so much love and good 'juju' vibes

katherine said...

Ugh... People...
I can somewhat relate: My brother died some years back and I had to leave the country in a hurry to attend the funeral/be with my family. My boss (actually grad school supervisor) actually yelled at me for taking off. On my first day back a week later, I was caught losing my shit en route to a hiding place in the women's room. A mere two days after that, I was asked "so everything ok now, right?" Right....

Nothing will ever be ok again. The world has been turned upside down, inside out, shaken, and smashed. Yet the wold still keeps on going round, 'cause there is E, still at work, still doing all that he did before everything came crashing down. People just don't get it. Even if you rip them a new one, they still don't get it. Unless they do. Unless their world has also been smashed, that is...

I hope E can, indeed, walk away. I think you are right in your assessment of things: I think one of the good things of a smashed world is that with it, redundance is also smashed -- only the really important stuff remains.

It takes some getting used to, this smashed landscape, but it does let a lot of light through...