Wednesday, January 26, 2011

1.26.11

A quick check in, since I'm heading into that frantic stage before a trip where so much needs to be done and how it will all get done before we step on the plane is a mystery.

We seem to have circumvented the huge blowout fights that we normally have before a trip by instead getting him to quit his job today.

HE DID IT! It took a lot of reassuring him that this is the right decision...but he's fully on board now, and once he made his decision, it was like a huge weight was lifted off his shoulders and his heart opened and his eyes got their twinkle back...

I know it won't necessarily be an easy road. But, really, what is an easy road for us right now? There is no road that will bring Otis back to us. So instead, we are faced with choosing the life that best honors our son, making the choice that comes from the same place in our hearts as the space he so clearly occupies.

As we crawled into bed late last night (3 am - we stayed up discussing the work issue for that long...), E said to me, "This is one of those moments that I see how amazing it will be to bring a child into our home, how amazing it will be for a child to see his parents loving each other so fiercely and supporting each other so unconditionally...thank you."

All day yesterday I was saying that it felt like Otis was "flying low." (Thanks to my sweet friend Jen for that phrase, by the way, I use it all the time, and think of our babies and our dads whenever I say it...) Spring is beginning to spring. I noticed the first buds on the trees in our neighborhood; the dandelions were especially huge and bright and fluffy and blow-able all morning on our walk with the dogs; the bulbs I planted in November have just started to pop from the ground...I just felt Otis all around, all day yesterday. When the world started crashing in for E at work last night, it took me awhile, but I realized it felt to me again like it was Otis "flying low" - reminding us of what's truly important, giving his papa that little push into the great unknown - from great risks come great rewards....

So today brings some peace, some clarity, some - dare I say it - hope.

Thanks, friends.

I'll have some computer access while in Maui, but it may be a little quiet around here for a bit...

(Wish us luck please as we still have 36 hours to avoid that "we'll never make it onto the plane" fight...)

16 comments:

katherine said...

Smiling for you and E tonight. Otis was, is, indeed, flying low.
Much love to you all...

Angela said...

Happy you came to a peaceful decision about E's job. Now you can go to Maui and RELAX! Enjoy your trip.

Missy said...

Yeah for E! It must be a weight off and I like how you said it comes from part of the heart occupied by Otis. I love what E said too! I hadn't heard of "flying low" but I like it! I hope you have a wonderful trip. I'm not taking the laptop along on our trip so I'll be www free for 5 whole days!

kate said...

wishing you luck & love & a peaceful & restful time maui...

kate xx

æ said...

good for you both.

flying low, indeed. you know, i think of your boys and dads too when i hear that. i love that girl.

ash

still life angie said...

Have an amazing trip. I just love what your husband said. That is so true. Love changes the world.

car said...

I'm glad that you and E can both go on your trip and not be thinking about him coming back to an awful stressful job. Have a lovely time on Maui, just thinking about all the fresh pineapple and warm breezes makes me feel better and I'm not going anywhere.

Tiffany said...

so happy to hear that E quit. you are right, life after losing our little ones brings everything into perspective. there is no time to do things that don't bring joy/happiness. and it sounds like E was in a really bad place. he definitely doesn't deserve to be there. so yay for him!

i know it will be hard, but enjoy your trip.

Brooke said...

Good for E and you. You guys are good people and undoubtedly good parents. Also can I just say that I am very jealous of your signs of spring ALREADY. It's January. We've still got INCHES of snow on the ground here. And I'm so ready for this long dark winter to be over. I hope that you have lots more light coming your way.

Jenn said...

Congratulations to E! Wishing you both a wonderful and peaceful vacation. I'm so glad you're feeling a bit of hope, Sarah. My thoughts are with you as you prepare for your trip - no fights allowed.

cullensblessings said...

I am so very happy for BOTH of you! The decision has clearly brought both of you much peace and I am so glad that it came to you. It sounds like Maui will be a much needed getaway.. sending you love and light for your safe travels.

B said...

i'm so glad E quit. i hope you both enjoy your hols all the more for it. xx

Tess said...

I hope both yourself and E are looking forward to stepping on that plane today for your sunny getaway, your relaxing and a recharge of your batteries. I hope there is such relief from E's new found freedom and renewed hope for the 2WW. I hope that the stars aline for good news to be had on E's birthday...

With so much love to you both and forever keeping Otis in my heart

Hanen said...

so good to hear you sounding better - and E getting himself out of an awful work situation. I love that feeling when Z is 'flying low' - when you can be awake to all the good little reminders. What a gorgeous phrase.

Good luck good luck for getting that plane without a blow-up - and safe travels xxh

Maddie said...

Was thinking of you today and that you've been quiet so relieved to see that was expected (I couldn't remember).

Hope Maui is bringing you some peaceful moments.

Maddie x

roark said...

And in the "better late than never" category, hi hi hi. I'm so glad to hear that E made such a brave choice and removed that totally unnecessary stress from that totally awful boss. Go, E! And go, Sarah, for loving him so fiercely.

So far, my Tanya Harding list is shaping up as follows:
1) that FUCKING doula
2) E's ex-boss

And always happy to add to it. You just let me know. I've got your back.

XO.