Thursday, January 13, 2011


What is it with anniversaries and periods showing up?

Sorry if it's TMI. I record this here partly for my own record keeping, and partly because I wish there were more blogs of mamas on the road farther ahead of me that had the gory details of how screwed up their cycles were in the first few months post partum.

At least it's good for me to begin to see a pattern, that the day I want to die is usually the day before I get my period.

So I'm 4 months postpartum, yesterday. Had a 22 day cycle this month, which I suppose is an improvement. My progesterone tested low this week, so that could be at least partly to blame for the screwy cycles. Though low progesterone can be a sign of a poor egg in ovulation, also, apparently. So which came first, the low P or the bad egg? I'm sure they're all tied together.

Next up, I go in for every hormonal blood test under the sun (I do those on Saturday) and then I start a very low dose bcp to keep my lining thin so that I can go get a hysterosalpingogram (HSG) and a hysteroscopy (which will be done 7 to 10 days from now, waiting on the office to call back to have those scheduled.) The hsg and hysteroscopy look at the inside of my uterus and my tubes to see if there's anything irregular in there (fibroids, endo, blocked tube, etc.) Then doctor should have enough info to begin to surmise or hypothesize why my cycles are so screwy, and hopefully get me to a place where I've got some good shots at getting knocked up in the months to come. (Please please please. Please please please. Please please please.)

So much for a 28 day cycle. So much for getting pregnant this go-round. And now it looks like the timing will be perfect for me to get my next period while we're in Maui. So much for that little fairy tale storyline of conceiving there. Instead, I'm really looking forward to the gutwrenching sobbing and emotional catastrophes that precede my period while we're away on vacation. Yikes. E says maybe I'll get pregnant before we go, and I'll get my bfp while we're there...but that's way too hopeful for me to even try to consider as a possibility. It's all doom and gloom around these parts.

Off to acupuncture and the chiropractor - lord knows I need as much support as I can get right now.

Thanks for all the love from last night's post, btw.


Jenn said...

Seriously, are you mirroring me at the moment? We're just about in the same exact spot.

Going to send you an email...

æ said...

I'm just so hating this screwiness for you right now. As if you need something else.

I spend a lot of time lately thinking about how tricky and confusing ttc must be right now. I hate that for you too.

I do sincerely wish you will get pregnant soon with your second child. We'll all be here for the great and the hard parts of that.

I had a weird dream last night, something about finding this card on how dandelions come into existence, and this big ordeal about me wanting to get that card to you even though I was pretty sure it'd be stuff you found redundant. I guess I'm saying I think of you a lot and really wish I could help.


Angela said...

My period always comes right around an anniversary day. It's the cruelest joke and liable to make you feel insane. I had my first postpartum period right around the three month mark. It lasted eight days and I was an emotional wreck. I remember laying on the couch flat on my back and sobbing from frustration and sadness.

Hope the appointments go well and some answers are found.

zubeldia said...

Hoping it goes well with all the testing, Sarahlu. It feels intensely unjust that your period should come now. Damn. Damn. Damn.

I'm holding on to E's hope, sweety.

car said...

Well, you're not the only one starting again today and I'm also going for the blood work on Saturday. (and it sounds like Jenn might be too) I hope we all can get some answers this month.

Monique said...

I'm sorry.

For what it's worth, I had my HSG and got pregnant two months after that - apparently, it can help you get pregnant for up to 3 or 4 months afterwards (don't quote me on that, I'm no doctor). It clears the tubes up, or something.

Sorry you're having a hard time.

kate said...

i'm sorry you didn't get pregnant this month. i was feeling so hopeful for you. i hope the testing gives you some answers and that your cycles start to become longer and more regular.

like ash says, i hate that you have to go through this. ttc is a roller coaster ride at the best of times and i can only imagine (without really *knowing* of course) that the highs and lows must be so much harder to ride out whilst neck deep in grief.

i wish things were different. this really sucks. (understatement of a lifetime...)

kate xx

Anonymous said...

I am hoping that your RE can find something.. I just wish that it was all so different.
Love to you Sarah...

æ said...

numbskull ashley...thanks to fia for reminding me on accident that i wanted to come here today, on the 13th, and tell you that i was thinking of you, obsessively in fact, a lot today, the majority of the day, and thinking about how 4 months ago ...

well, 4 months ago you called me while i was in target to tell me that you were going to have to take this precious baby off life support. i was wondering this morning if the worst day of my life could actually be about your life. and, well, you know a lot about my life and bad days that have been in it.

and you apologized to me, first thing, that you and i were having that conversation. which makes me want to let you know again that i'm here for you. i'm here for you sarah, and we'll figure it out over time.

and another really brilliant wise self-knowing thing you said to me was that you know you'll need extra support from all of us, and you know that there will be times (if not most of the time or even all of the time) that it will be hard for you to accept that support, and that doesn't mean you don't need it. i won't forget that.

and the rest of the day is a blur of sobbing, waiting to hear anything at all from you, about you, and talking to our friends, calling H first actually and just crying with her, which i so appreciated at that time, that we have this friend i could just call, i could just say "hey" and start crying and it'd be like we were sitting there together praying with you or something. and i had one session that day, and i felt like i was in an alternate universe, like i needed to stop it and point out how ridiculous it was to talk about anything, anything at all, could we please please please stop it my friend sarah needs us and so does her son otis.

so that was 4 months ago, and it feels like forever and it feels like yesterday.

i will never, ever forget your son. i talked to 3 people about him today aside from our shared friends.

i love you.

Merry said...

Sarah, I don't know if you use fertility friend but if you do, I can send you my name and let you peak at my cycles. Straight after Freddie's birth mine were 30 days and then very short for a few months (they were before hand too, after I came off the pill to try and have him). I've got records from July onwards and you are welcome to look.

This last two months (timing sucked last month, it is on the money this month so we'll see) my temp hasn't climbed gradually after ovulation, it has rocketed (although both times I've been mildly coldy too) but I think there has been a change. I'm really hoping this is my ageing body getting a progesterone surge back in some sort of order. Fingers crossed.

My best friend is a gynae - she keeps telling me that after loss and in older bodies, resetting can take a while and to be patient.

:) (dificult!)

Hope's Mama said...

From memory, I always wanted to die the day before my period. And in a similar parallel, I didn't get pregnant in Hawaii either. We were there on the 6 month anniversary and I had in my head how perfect it would be. My period was due when we were there, so we would have never conceived there, but I faithfully packed the tests stupidly assuming I'd see two lines on our magical dead baby holiday. It didn't happen. But it did happen the next month, once we were home.
Maybe the holiday did help us (and I hate to say this word) relax. Who knows. I just know I hope it happens for you really, really soon.
I am constantly amazed by how similar our stories are and how similar our feelings are at each particular month anniversary.