Friday, April 8, 2011

Oh, Brother.

We got our CVS results yesterday. All the chromosomes are arranged just as they are supposed to be.  And this baby is another boy.

I am incredibly relieved to know that all is going as it's "supposed" to, chromosomally speaking, that is. And I am officially out of that "first trimester" danger zone.  But come on, we all know that the danger zone has no boundary.  We are in it, forever.  Sure, statistics say...yadda yadda.  Statistics didn't do me a whole lot of good last September.

I miss Otis so much, and also so differently, I think, with this new one growing inside of me.  I am now mourning a different level of the loss - I burst into tears the other day thinking about Otis being a big brother, but a big brother forever frozen in time as a newborn.  I worry about how this new baby (*insert standard disclaimer of "IF HE LIVES AND COMES HOME" wherever it's needed in this and any subsequent posts, please) might grow up in his big brother's shadow.  I worry about what this baby will know of Otis.  I am so sad that Otis will only be dead to his brother.  His brother will never know Otis as we did, when he was in my belly, kicking, hiccuping, stretching, squirming.  His brother will never know Otis as our greatest wish, our biggest hope, our best dream; only as our saddest loss.

I am thrilled to be carrying another boy.  I am sure that had we found out I was carrying a girl, I would be thrilled as well, though if I am honest, I would have to say that it would take me longer to adjust to that news.  Just yesterday morning I lay in my bed, thinking about all the boy clothes we have in boxes in our basement.  Many were made or bought especially for Otis, and I imagine there will be some that will always be his, no matter what, and a new baby will not wear them.  But there also will be many shared pieces of clothing, and I am happy thinking that we may have a baby to wear them someday soon.

See, this is what's complicated.  Yesterday after getting our cvs results I had many glimpses of that "naive pregnant lady" hopeful optimism that I thought was forever lost to me.  I find myself thinking a lot that this baby IS coming home with us.  I catch myself talking as if this is a sure thing.  What the?  Didn't I learn?  How could I possibly be so naive, so hopeful, so STUPID?

I promise, gods above, I am not trying to tempt fate,  I am not asking to be struck down again.  I just would really really like to hold my son, hear him cry, bring him home and watch him grow.

17 comments:

LauraJane said...

:crying:

I am so worried about so many of these feelings and I'm not even pregnant again yet. I'm so anxious about our next baby, leapfrogging over Jack. Doing the things Jack never will. Breaks my heart to think about. But it HAS to happen.

Congrats on the little boy on the way. He is something to be celebrated, all on his own .

æ said...

your plea to the universe is beautiful sarah. i want to watch him grow too.

little brother will have unworn handmedowns, and you're right that is so sweet and so hard.

love ash

Monique said...

I had a boy after losing my first, also a boy. It does make me sad that George will never know his brother. I don't know how I will explain Sam to George but I know I don't want to impose my sadness on him, nor do I want to lie. I haven't figured it out yet.

As for the clothes, I rationalized that if Sam had lived and I had another boy that of course the he would have worn hand-me-downs. I had lots of moments of sadness unpacking them, knowing Sam never got to wear them, but the practical side of me won out.

Congratultions on the good news so far, but I understand how cautious you are approaching this pregnancy. Hoping with you for an uneventful pregnancy.

still life angie said...

Oh, honey, amazing news. And congratulations on another boy. I had a hard time when I found out I was having a boy. Sisters. I always wanted sisters. But in the end, I think I would have been sad no matter what. Every milestone was one away from Lucia, but also one closer to Thor. I don't know. Everything is bittersweet. I mourn for my daughter and son too, for them missing their sister. Bea is just starting to really get what that means, and it is something I am sure she will wrestle with for her whole life. Sending love. xo

Hope's Mama said...

Yeah, having a different gender was hard on me. But I can see that expecting the same would be hard also. I mean really, none of this is easy. Who are we kidding? When we found out Angus was a boy, I went out and spent about $200 on baby boy clothes, after I'd said all along, I wouldn't do a thing to plan for this baby, as my plans always went up in smoke. But I got swept up in the moment, and almost crossed back to the other side, as one of the blissful "others". I felt sick about those clothes for weeks after I bought them, but I realised I would have felt just as sick if I hadn't bought them. And whether I bought clothes or not had no bearing on whether he was coming home. It is just dumb luck and with Angus, I somehow got lucky.
I hope you get lucky this time too, mama.
Sending love and hope. And of course, luck.
xo

Brooke said...

I've thought this over and decided you're allowed to hope. Yes, your hope got the shit kicked out of it last September, but that bitch is plucky and if she's back, might as well let her linger.

And I'm hoping with you. Because this ugly world has its beautiful moments, and I do believe Otis's baby brother is one of them.

katherine said...

What Brooke said...
Much love and continued hope to you, mama...

Missy said...

I'm so glad that everything is well with your babe and I too hope he will come home safe and sound with you. I spend a lot of time hating that if we should be lucky enough to have another child that child will never know their brother. It hurts so deep. It is so unfair. All my love to you mama~

cullensblessings said...

I am so glad that things are progressing so well Sarah. I am thinking of you all of the time. Sending love....

B said...

A friend of mine, Sarah at nerdnuggets.com (I think, I'm remembering the URL), posts about how loving her new baby won't kill him in utero, won't somehow make him die. And sometimes when I'm feeling that it's tempting fate to believe in this baby, sometimes I think about that and it helps, knowing that she can believe that... maybe I can too. Does that make sense?

I think that sometimes, if the worst happens and you lose a second baby, it hurts even more if you haven't let yourself love that baby and hope for him or her.

I'm not sure if I'm making sense. But this last week or two I've finally reached a place where even if I lost this baby (GOD FORBID and all that other stuff) I'd be glad to have carried him and to have loved him. So I think that that comes, sooner or later.

Just ignore this comment if it's weird and confusing. Apparently not-blogging has removed my ability to make sense :/

book fish said...

Amazing post. You put down the array of bitter sweet feelings so well. I really really hope everything goes fine and your son will come home this time. Lots of love.

Lori said...

Awesome news on the CVS! Whew! I thought about this post all afternoon yesterday, but didn't have time to reply. I concur with Brooke. You're not being stupid when you're feeling hopeful. What's gonna happen is gonna happen. Having hope and feeling positive and excited about envisioning a new baby in your life isn't going to change the outcome. Besides, being fearful sucks. Just remember: Clear Eyes. Full Heart. Can't Lose. ;) xo

Angela said...

Since I found out for sure this one was a boy I've slipped into normal baby mode now and again. I agree, it is shocking to find myself believing this one will come home, to buy a cute outfit because it catches my eye, to think about preparing the nursery. Human hearts tend to hope even though it feels like the opposite of what we should be doing.

Glad the CVS results were normal and congrats on your boy.

Jenn said...

So glad you got such wonderful results from the CVS, Sarah. It's scary to let yourself hope after the kind of tragedy we've been through, but it also wonderful that there is even the capacity for hope left in us. Thinking of you. xx

Fede said...

Very much in your shoes! congrats for the cvs results and please keep hoping. A new life deserves celebration, always.

kate said...

i am so pleased sarah - and so hopeful for you & your little boy growing strong and healthy within you. with love & tenderness & remembering sweet otis... 7 months today.

xxx

brianna said...

I thought I already responded to this post! In fact I could swear I did. Anyway, I am so glad the cvs results came back with good news. Congrats on having another boy. I hope this pregnancy is uneventful and calm.

Hugs.